Things I Find Fascinating: Vintage Ads That Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

This mini-series began earlier this week with Outrageously Sexist Vintage Ads.  It continued with Blatantly Racist Vintage Ads.  Today's vintage ads are a bit more general, but I think you'll find them no less fascinating.

The oft-used phrase "It seemed like a good idea at the time..." usually denotes that, upon reflection, "It" -- whatever "It" was -- was actually not such a great idea after all. Such is the case with these ads. In some cases, where the print is smaller, I have transcribed the more relevant portions below the picture. In other cases, I have chosen not to restrain myself from making snarky comments. (Surprise, surprise.) Enjoy!

First, teach them to walk. Then, teach them to talk.

Then, teach them to shave. The rest is just details.

How soon is too soon to start your child on a soda regimen? Well, you might

want to wait till you get them home from the hospital. But after that,

they're ready to go! As the ad states, "Laboratory tests have proven that

babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a

much higher chance of gaining weight acceptance and 'fitting in' during

those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your

child a favor. Start them on a strict regiment of sodas and other sugary

carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

This message was brought to you by The Soda Pop Board of America.

4 out of 4 kids can't be wrong. Looking creepy sells stuff!

 A chorus of Amen's just sounded from pedophiles everywhere...

"A case of Blatz Beer in your home means much to the young

mother, and obviously baby participates in its benefits. The 

malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential

at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating tonic."

Yeah, but you know when you take them out of

the original packaging, their value goes way down.

Lane Bryant, long-time connoisseur of plus-size fashion. Apparently,

they weren't always as sensitive in their terminology as they are today.

For that matter, neither was Sears.

Yeah, that'd numb the pain. All the pain.

And they'll keep coming back for more!

 "Iver Johnson Revolvers are not toys: they shoot straight 

and kill." At the same time, "Papa says it won't hurt us," 

he says it's "absolutely safe," and "accidental discharge" 

-- whatever that big word means -- is "impossible." 

And my Papa would never lie to me. Right?

I don't know, I haven't checked lately. I hope not.

Bolsheviks look really mean and nasty!

I hate to disappoint you, Uncle Sam, but I'm just not a hen and

chicken kind of guy. I like to eat them, but I don't really want to

raise them. If this is a prerequisite for my patriotism, as the 

ad implies, then color me unpatriotic. Or just lazy. Whatever.

This is so opposite from most of the articles and ads you'll find 

in glamor and fitness magazines these days. But I have to say,

I don't disagree with the sentiments here at all. Just being honest.

"Mary got to school early for Student Council.. Her team won

in gym. After play rehearsal, she'll Watusi with the gang.

She needs sugar in her life. For energy. She needs energyless,

artificially sweetened foods and beverages like a turtle

needs a seat belt. Sugar swings. Serve some. Sugar's got

what it takes...18 calories per teaspoon, and it's all energy!"

It's the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're of the homicidal

persuasion. Then it's the gift that keeps on taking...lives.

 Taxidermy is certainly a noble profession,

and in its own way, an art form. But

why on earth would you stuff squirrels

standing upright in a mock wedding

ceremony. That's just...well, crazy!

I just got a really weird, really disturbing mental image upon

reading this tagline. A tree and a cow? Excuse me while I barf.

Really? A self-slicing pig? This, coupled with the previously

mentioned tree-cow coupling, is guaranteed to give me nightmares.

 I know people who would agree with this statement,

but I seriously doubt that it can be proven accurate.

True, it may keep you trim and slender, but then there's that whole

annoying lung cancer thing. You pick your poison, I suppose.

"20,679 Physicians say Luckies are less irritating...your throat

protection against irritation, against cough." Whatever you say, Doc!

 "Face the facts! When tempted to over-indulge, reach for a Lucky 

instead."  Because it's better to be thin than alive in twenty-five years.

"Eat! Eat! Eat! & Always Stay Thin!...How? With Sanitized Tape Worms."

That makes loads of sense. I'm surprised people don't try this these days.

Little-known fact: Santa Claus smokes Camels. And prefers 

Prince Albert in a can. And he wants you to, too!

What can we learn from these ads?

1) Santa also digs Luckies, and he looks oh-so-cool smoking them. 

2) Scientists prefer Chesterfields because there's no unpleasant aftertaste.

3) Recognizing the likelihood of sudden death by bus, smoking makes sense.

4) If doctors smoke Camels, they must not be bad for you after all.

I'm Not Eating THAT!

Not too long ago, I posted a bunch of photos of Strangely Translated T-Shirt Messages, mostly deriving from Asian countries and all poorly translated by persons whose native language was clearly not English. Today is more of the same, but these are all taken from menus and/or signs at restaurants in primarily Asian countries. The mistranslations are hilarious, the meals are seemingly undesirable, and the messages they're sending are as unclear as ever. So sit back, revel in the weirdness, and enjoy!

Smoked turkey drumsticks and wings I can handle. Fresh pork

is okay, too. I'd even be okay with the frozen fish, provided they

thawed it and cooked it before serving. But "Cow Something"?

That doesn't sound like anything I'm chomping at the cud to try.

Mmm, lots of good choices here. The "Big bowl four treasure frog" sounds 

pretty interesting. The "Big bowl white of immerses three pill" doesn't 

sound too bad either. But I'm going to steer clear of the "Big bowl gold 

mushroom cowboy meat" if you don't mind. Not my idea of good grub.

What I want to know is, how do they make the crap red?

I'll start off with the "Chips cattle grain" as an appetizer.
Then, for my second course, I would like to try the "Thai
dozen throws cattle." Then I'll go for broke and finish it off
with the "Japanese pottery plank beef." Mmm, mmm, good!

The thing about having Wikipedia with your beef is that you can't
always verify the source. Who knows where that cow really came from?

I hate to just pick the first thing on the menu, but "The
Temple explodes the chicken cube" looks really good!

I'm not really sure what a "Freasuse" is, but I'm not entirely
sure I want to taste the strange flavor of its insides. And what
is it with these restaurants and cowboys? I will not be ordering
the "Cowboy Leg Beautiful Pole" anytime soon, either.

If you're in the mood for a "European wind breakfast," then
you've clearly come to the right place. I highly recommend
the "Fruit comprehensive salad." It's much better than the
"Spits the department." That can be a little stringy sometimes.

There's only one thing on this menu that's calling my name.
That's right! It's "Chocolate Puke" all the way! Ooh, so tasty!

I'm not a big fan of pickled cucumbers, but who knows –  maybe
I'd really like "Human Pickles"? Only one way to find out...

This is what I call responsible gastronomy. Take advantage
of abundant natural resources. Stew till hot and oh-so-fragrant.

I think the proper terminology here would be "Freedom Flies."

I actually prefer public bench legs, but I'll take what I can get.

Dave is usually better when broiled, in my
opinion, but he's okay when he's braised, too.

The "Grilled paving stone" sounds all right, but the "Paving
stone with pepper sauce" sounds positively to die for!

"Boiled nonsense"? Give me a break! Everyone
knows that "Fried nonsense" is so much tastier!

"Medicine flower chicken nest"?  Delectable!
"Fatty cow in the United States in dad in sand in"?  Scrumptious!
"The black fryings the breeze ball"?  Out of this world!
"A is too the lake a nest"?  Dee-licious!

Wait, I thought tofu was supposed to be good for you?

This place has some interesting choices. "The garlic burns the belly one"
sounds painful. "Mushroom Rape" is a little scary-sounding. "Leek
speculation eggs" merit further scrutiny. "Second winter burning"
sounds more like a novel than an entree. And I suppose if you're
going to fry the naked oats dish, you may as well do it clearly.

"Piquant Salad Entrails Beef"? "Thai Style
Uterus Salad"? Eww...just, eww!!!

Seriously, what is it with all these cowboy ingredients?
And how exactly does one lithosporically dig up corn?
  What's so garrulous about fried rice? Ham is good,
cream is fine, soup is great, and spaghetti's wonderful –
but all four together? That sounds utterly disgusting!

This menu is extremely informative. After perusing it carefully,
here's what I've learned: The moustache is tiny. There's a
demon in the moustache. The ark shell both scalds and burns.
The shrimp burns. And the meatball fries – every the wood.

So many good choices here. The "Six membership fees pip
rice" sounds intriguing. Both "The cold noodle which it rubs"
and the "Blood rice served in soup" sound pretty good, but
the one that really stands out for me is "Our house bear thang."

"Red date silk tube-shaped container steams frog"?
"Salty egg king steams the vegetable sponge"?
"Home town shredded meat steams bean curd"?
These dishes are a mouthful, both to say and to eat.

There's only one dish on this menu that sounds more
appealing than a "Fried Morning Glory." And that's the
"Salad Binladen." Also known as "Terrorist Tossed Salad."

Things I Find Appalling: Blatantly Racist Vintage Ads

The other day, when I posted a collection of "Outrageously Sexist Vintage Ads," I told you there would be more of these. And unfortunately, there are. Today's installment in this mini-series displays the unbelievably racist attitudes toward minorities that were displayed through advertising in the "good ol' days." And I use that term as sarcastically as possible.

Some of these are blatantly racist, while others simply propagate long-standing stereotypes of certain people groups. Either way, they're all insensitive at best and horrible at worst. By posting these ads, I am in no way advocating the messages therein. On the contrary, I am trying to point out, in unmistakable ways, that though these might not be the "good ol' days," times have definitely changed for the better over time.

I had planned to keep my commentary to a minimum with these, because I think they pretty much speak for themselves; but they made me too mad, and I couldn't help myself. Again, if you take my comments seriously, that's not my fault. I'm being sarcastic and satirical to make a point. That being said, prepare to be offended...

My, my, that's some powerful soap! Just add water, and – tada! – 

you're Caucasian! Wow! I wonder what it can do for white people?

Elliott's White Veneer has a similar effect, apparently.

Amazing! Pears' Soap is also able to accomplish the task of 

race changing. What a shame that these products didn't last,

or there wouldn't be any minorities to be worried about today!

Even further proof that all black people secretly long to be white.

Gotta love those racial stereotypes, right? Lawsee, yes!

I don't know what nuthin' is, cuz I's just a ig'nant Negro. I ain't even write 

this sign. It was wrote up by a white person. Y'all know I can't read an' write.

Mmm, mmm, makes good fried chicken. Need I say mo'?

Dis sho' be some friendly feelin' coffee! Hang on a second, why are 

we talking like this? We're all white people here. Just because we have a 

little blackface makeup on doesn't mean we have to talk like savages!

Nuthin' but the best for you white folks. Now you just

enjoy that root beer whiles I shine yo' shoes, ya heah?

Lawd, child, you sho' does! I bet that thang'll cook up a mean fried chicken!

"'Yas'm,' says Sam, now as smooth as chocolate custard..."

I am vehemently shaking my head at this right now. Are you?

Because we all know that ALL black people love watermelon...

Makes a great gift for white children who are amused by the flashing 

white eyes and faces of perfect happiness of darkey babies. Packs 

conveniently in included watermelon. Toy fried chicken sold separately.

It sho' am, Uncle Remus.

"Colored kids make a costume vastly more attractive..." ?????

"Exclusively for the Best Colored People of St. Louis..."

We couldn't bring ourselves to draw Colored People in

fine evening attire, so we added this clip art of some 

elegant-looking White People. You understand, right?

 "Dr. Scott's Electric Hair Brush will not save an 

Indian's scalp from his enemies..." But we decided to 

include a picture of a fierce-looking, scalp-hungry 

Indian anyway to scare you into buying our product.

Aha! Now the truth comes out. Even Native Americans

secretly long to be white. Or "pale-faced," as it were.

I've heard – and I don't know if this is true or not – but I've heard that

you don't have to be German to love real pumpernickel bread, either.

4 out of 5 men want Van Heusen Oxfords. That fifth 

guy wants to rip out your heart – right through your 

Van Heusen shirt – and eat it, chamber by chamber, with 

a splash of hot sauce, then wash it down with your spinal fluid.

Wait a second, what happened to Juicy Jew, African Apricot,

and Mexican Mint? Those were my favorite Funny-Face flavors!

It's a well-known American fact that all Chinese

people look and dress like this guy. Ask anyone!

And every Chinese person's son looks like this little guy.

No, but I did just see a blatantly racist vintage ad...