Saturday, August 4, 2012

People I Wish Would Just Go Away


Today I will be a little mean-spirited, but not too much. I'm not saying that I want these people dead. I just want them gone -- call off the paparazzi, cancel the tabloid stories, and fade from the public eye, never to be seen again. I picked these people for one or more of the following reasons: they're really annoying; I'm tired of seeing their faces everywhere; they have no actual talent or reason for being as famous as they are; they have actual talent, but they've worn out their welcome; or because I simply don't like them. I'll leave it to you to figure out which is which for which person. Maybe you'll agree with me in most cases. Maybe not. Doesn't matter either way. Here goes...



Paris Hilton



 Justin Bieber



 Miley Cyrus



 Lindsey Lohan



 Lil Wayne



 Jessica Simpson



The Entire Cast of The Jersey Shore



 Nicki Minaj



 Nadya "Octomom" Suleman



 Sarah Palin



 Kate Gosselin



Tom Cruise



 Kanye West



Bill Maher



 Oprah Winfrey



 Nancy Pelosi



 Clay Aiken



 Rosie O'Donnell



 Hillary Rodham Clinton



 Barry Bonds

Friday, August 3, 2012

Why Betty White Is Awesome (Using Words Made From The Letters Of Her Name)

Real Talk: I LOVE Betty White. Always have. Long before it was trendy to love Betty White. She's an immensely talented, incredibly funny, eminently ageless, and seemingly tireless actress and comedienne. Today, I will use words created from the letters of Betty White's name to describe why she is so awesome.



1)  BITTY:  Defined by an UrbanDictionary.com user as "a crazy elderly woman who is out of touch with the world yet thinks she know something relevant and feels compelled to share it," the word "bitty" most definitely does not describe Betty White. For a 90-year-old woman, Betty is remarkably "with it" (also two words that can be made from her name) – she's not out of touch with things in today's world (as I'll prove in just a minute), she is certainly still relevant, and apparently has much more to share with the world and is willing to do so.





2)  WITTY:  "Witty" is defined as "possessing wit in speech or writing" or, alternately, "amusingly clever in perception and expression." That describes Betty White to a T. When she hosted Saturday Night Live a couple of years ago, it has been said by people in the know that Betty could out-ad-lib almost every other member of the cast. She's naturally as funny or funnier than people more than half her age.





3)  TWEET:  In case you didn't know already, a "tweet" is "a very short message posted on the Twitter website." Back in April of this year, 90-year-old Betty tweeted her first message, which read: "Hello Twitter! And they said it would never happen. Oh wait, that was me." Not surprisingly, White has thousands upon thousands of followers on Twitter.




4)  TWIT:  Defined as "an insignificant, silly, or bothersome person" or, alternately, "a foolish or stupid person, or idiot," the word "twit" hardly describes Betty the person. But it's a perfect description of her Golden Girls character, Rose Nylund. Rose may have been a twit, but she was a lovable twit.




5)  THEY:  Speaking of the Golden Girls, Betty was one of the Fab Four of this classic 1980s sitcom, and the only one still living. "They" gave us lots of laughs over the years (and still do – I don't believe the show has ever not been in syndication since its original run ended), and Betty White was a huge reason why.




6)  WHEE:  "Whee" is an interjection "used to express joy or delight." Whether she's being sweet, sassy, naughty, or nice, Betty White does so with obvious joy and endless delight. You can tell she enjoys making people laugh, and why shouldn't she, seeing as she does it so well!




7)  BEE:  In conjunction with the word "busy," "bee" denotes "a person who is industrious or has many things to do." This certainly describes the long, prolific career of Betty White. Don't believe me? Let's go to the numbers – From 1945 to the present, Betty has been a regular on 15 different TV series, guest-starred on another 49 different TV series, acted in 33 movies, made appearances on 240 different TV programs as herself, and starred in numerous commercials. If you count her time performing on the radio (and you should), Betty White has worked in show biz in each of the past 9 decades! And she's still going strong!




8)  HIT:  Defined as "a person or thing that gains wide appeal," Betty White is definitely a "hit." With 20 Emmy nominations and 6 Emmy wins to her credit, Betty has clearly had "hit" after "hit" after "hit."




9)  YET:  At 90 years old, Betty's not done "yet"! She is currently starring in the "hit" TV series Hot In Cleveland. Betty has been quoted as saying: "Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren't going to get rid of me that way."




10)  IT:  One definition of the word "it" is thus: "a desirable quality or ability." A common version of this particular meaning of the word – generally used for women – is the phrase "It Girl." Well, I don't know if a 90-year-old woman can still be categorized as a "girl" or not, but whatever "it" is, Betty White has definitely still got "it."


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: 25 Unfortunately Named Olympic Athletes

Not too much reading required for today's post. Just revel in the weirdness! Kudos to SportsPickle.com for compiling a comprehensive list of funny Olympic athlete names. I picked and chose my favorites from their list and added pictures and snarky commments. Enjoy!


1)  MICHAEL ARMS, rowing, New Zealand

Michael Arms, the living embodiment of a self-fulfilling prophecy



2)  FANNY BABOU, swimming, France


Fanny doesn't like to get left behind in the pool.




3)  QUENTIN BIGOT, hammer throw, France


Quentin wants you to know it's actually pronounced "Big-Oh."






4)  USAIN BOLT, track, Jamaica


He runs like lightning, mon!






5)  LARS BOOM, cycling, Netherlands


It's a shame cannon shooting isn't an Olympic sport. If
it were, this guy's name would be SO much more ironic!






6)  REHAN BUTT, hockey, Pakistan


Rehan's the one on the left, with his...well, with his butt to the camera.






7)  ROSA CHACHA, track, Ecuador


Of course, this is just the name she goes by publicly.
Her full name is Rosa Alba Chacha Chacha. No lie.






8)  KISSYA DA COSTA, rowing, Brazil


Her love don't cost a thing. But her kisses are expensive.




9)  DONG DONG, trampoline, China


Dong Dong's name is also the sound you would make if you
could jump on a trampoline inside Big Ben. He did inquire
about doing that, but the Queen wasn't too keen on the idea.






10)  YU DU, shooting, China


I don't know how Yu Du the voodoo that Yu Du so well...






11)  KATHRYN FUDGE, handball, Great Britain


Not being prone to harsh profanity, Kathryn screams her own
surname when something goes wrong in a handball game.






12)  SJOERD HAMBURGER, rowing, Netherlands


He doesn't understand why you think his name
is so funny. Sjoerd just means "victory guardian." 




13)  DESTINEE HOOKER, volleyball, United States


Go ahead and make fun of her name. Destinee will "kill"
you, then "dig" a hole for your body. Game. Set. Match.






14)  MARY KILLMAN, synchronized swimming, United States


Mary used to synchronize-swim with a male partner. Then one day,
he just suddenly disappeared. Nobody has seen that guy since.






15)  YOO SUK KIM, pole vault, South Korea


Now that he understands a bit of English, he gets
depressed every time the crowd chants his name. 






16)  JASON LAVIGILANTE, boxing, Mauritius


He takes the law into his own bright-blue-puffy-glove-covered hands.






17)  TIM LIPS, equestrian, Netherlands


Never mind his name – let's just make fun of how he's dressed!






18)  SPARKLE MCKNIGHT, track, Trinidad and Tobago


Sparkle is the sole representative of her family in this year's Olympics.
Her sister Twinkle and her brother Glimmer did not qualify.  (jk)






19)  POPS MENSAH-BONSU, basketball, Great Britain


Nobody talks to Pops like that and gets away with it! Show some respect!




20)  CAROLE PEON, rhythmic gymnastics, France


She may be lowly and insignificant, but she's French, and
that automatically makes her superior to you. (So she says.)






21)  JOEL REDHEAD, track, Grenada


More like Joel Floatinghead. Where the heck is his body?






22)  GAVIN SMELLIE, track, Canada


Gavin doesn't know what you're laughing at – all he smells is VICTORY!






23)  ANDREA ST. BERNARD, taekwondo, Grenada


Go ahead – call her a dog. If you feel lucky. If you like pain.






24)  YOSHIE TAKESHITA, volleyball, Japan


Get your mind out of the gutter. It's pronounced "TAH-kay-SHEE-tah."






25)  WITTHAYA THAMWONG, archery, Thailand


Make one more joke about his name,
and he'll shoot your eye out, kid!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Things That Make Great Bookmarks In A Pinch

Have you ever been knee-deep into a fantastic book, then for whatever reason (you have to go to work, your favorite TV show is coming on, you need to have an emergency medical procedure, etc.) you are forced to stop reading; and in reaching for your bookmark, you find that it has disappeared? What do you do?

Here are 10 random things that can serve as excellent substitutes when an actual bookmark is not available or has gone missing:



1)  A Sheet Of Toilet Paper

Depending on where you are when you need a bookmark,
this just might be the nearest, most convenient option for you.



2)  A Grocery Store Receipt

Ever feel like that ridiculously long grocery store receipt
is just a waste of good paper? Don't let it go to waste! Fold
it over twice and you've got the perfect substitute bookmark.



3)  A Post-It Note

This is one of those Post-Its I was telling you about
yesterday. While it may not say anything important, it will
definitely hold your place till you're ready to read again.



4)  The Ripped-Off Top Of A Kleenex Box

I've been using this particular "bookmark" for several years now. I cut
it into an interesting shape so it would look less like what it actually is.



5)  A Ticket Stub To A Sporting Event

After the game, don't just throw that ticket away. Keep it in a safe
place. You never know when you might suddenly need a bookmark.



6)  A Severed Human Finger

Granted, a severed finger isn't something you'd necessarily have
lying around in your house (unless you're into that sort of thing).
However, if you find yourself in the scary part of town, and you
have to stop reading for some reason (for example, you feel the
need to run for your life from the thugs who are chasing you), you
might find one of these nearby and decide to use it (temporarily,
of course) to hold your place in your book until you're in a safer area.



7)  A Fluff Of Lint From Your Belly Button

Some people are particularly adept at collecting fibers and
miscellaneous debris in their navels (I am not one of them –
this is not my lint). If you're one of those people, you may
be carrying – at the core of your body – a built-in bookmark.



8)  A Very Narrow Writing Utensil

Not only are these pencils handy tools for artists and carpenters,
but they also make handy bookmarks. Their narrow design
prevents them from creasing your book binding too severely.



9)  Your Shoelaces

While the flat kind of shoelaces would probably work better, these
round ones would work just as well as a quick, convenient bookmark.
Just be careful not to trip when you're walking with lace-less shoes.



10)  A Dead Centipede

Let's face it – once it's dead, the centipede has served whatever purpose it
was intended to serve. Why let its brittle, multi-legged carcass go to waste?
Some people press dead leaves or flowers. Why not press a dead centipede?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Dumping My Brain For The Sake Of Sanity

Yes, this IS going to be one of those rambling posts when whatever comes into my head comes out. If you don't like these kinds of posts, you might want to stop reading now.

You're still here? That's good. Well, hang on!

I feel like a crazy person. I'm extremely moody, and I don't know why. I've been having irrational outbursts of anger at seemingly random things and I can't seem to turn off that switch (and don't know what turned it on).

In the past 24 hours, I've slammed doors, peeled rubber (well, almost...), and all other sorts of childish behavior. And I want to stop. Like, now.

I should be happy. I'm going to be a father. So far, we've had a virtually complication-free pregnancy. We finished our home remodeling project a couple of months back, and we've finally (as of today) put our townhouse on the market. (You wanna buy it?) I still have a good job (though the work is sometimes annoying – whose isn't?).

So, what's the deal?

I wish I could tell you.

Getting the house finished up to be able to show it was more than a little stressful. We didn't get as much done this past weekend as we'd hoped, so it was left to me first thing in the morning, and Mary for the majority of the day yesterday to finish everything up. And we still didn't finish it. This morning we did, but not without much rushing and considerable tardiness to work.

Maintaining its pristine look while still living in the house (with three cats, mind you) is going to be ongoing stress. At any time, it could be shown, so it always has to look ready. We're hoping it will sell fast. (You wanna buy it?)

I finally finished a particularly difficult batch of copy today, which I'd been laboring over for the better part of a week. And there's plenty more work left on my plate now that those are done. It never stops. Which is job security, but just that much more stress.

My toes hurt. Both the biggest one and the smallest one on my left foot. The great toe appears to be trying to become ingrown. Great, toe, just what I needed! I injured the pinky toe this past Saturday while vacuuming the stairs. I was backing down the stairs as I vacuumed, and thought I'd reached the floor. I tried to plant my foot (without looking) and realized – too late! – that I was skipping a step and falling backwards onto the vacuum cleaner. My left foot slammed into the vacuum hose (which doesn't sound like it should hurt, but it does) and the pinky toe was injured (broken? sprained? jammed?) in the process. Now my pinky is red and swollen and quite painful. Sometimes I take my shoes off at my desk to let my feet breathe (which I realize is, technically, impossible – but still...).

After sporadic searching over several months, I finally found four scripts that I like for the Night of Drama production. They are currently in the inbox of our associate pastor, who will read them and give them the thumbs up or thumbs down. From there, we'll do auditions and start practicing for our production in late October (the 21st, if you care). This will be fun – it always is – but it will also be stressful (it always is). But at least I know that going into it.

I'm getting more and more impatient as I get older. I hate driving in heavy traffic or behind, in front of, or beside slow and/or stupid drivers. Seriously, some people should have their licenses revoked for their blatant lack of intelligence and/or attention while operating a motor vehicle.

Today is the 213th straight day that I have posted a blog entry. That sort of blows my mind, and then again it doesn't. It hasn't been nearly as easy as I thought it would be. It hasn't been nearly as hard, either. I find that I am often full of great ideas. And just as often I'm tapped out. Knowing that people like you (if you're still reading this, "people like you" definitely applies) are reading what I have to say inspires me to keep going. Sometimes (the past three days, for example) very few people choose to read what I've posted. I know because I check my "stats" obsessively. This disheartens me, and yet I understand. People are busy. More important things (which is pretty much everything else) prevent them from being able to set aside time to read.

I'm getting my hair cut today. I had an appointment scheduled for two weeks ago, but I remembered a week and a half afterwards that I had missed it, and had to reschedule. This is not the first time this has happened. I would say my memory is about as long as my hair, but (right now, at least) that would not be true. My memory is shorter than my hair, which isn't even that long really, so that's saying something.

Target has "SPAM" notebooks in their Dollar Spot now. I bought three different ones on Sunday. I didn't need them, but I wanted them. I've always been a big fan of "SPAM" – not of eating it, mind you, just of the product in general. It's sort of a "cult classic" thing – "SPAM" is cool simply because it is. I've never owned a "SPAM" t-shirt, but that's only because I never ran across one in my size. But I do have the "SPAM" notebooks now, which I'll probably use for either sermon notes or drama notes as we transition into practices in just a few weeks.

I put ridiculous Post-It notes on the outside of my office door every day. Since I usually keep my door shut (I work like a hermit), whomever comes to my door (it doesn't happen often) sees the note before they see me. I'm surprised more people don't come in rolling their eyes in my direction, 'cause some of these notes are really stupid. Here are a few examples:
* "Knock Louder, I Can't Hear You"
* "Every Thursday Is The Same – Work, Work, Work! (sigh)"
* "This Note Doesn't Say Anything Important."
* "Smile! It's STILL Not Tuesday!"
* "Out To Lunch – Will Return Monday."
* "I Probably Can't Hear You Knocking, Just Come On In..."
* "Whatever You Do, Do NOT Read This Post-It Note!"
* "Misery Loves Company. Come On In!"
...and today's note:
* "This Is A No Tap-Dancing Zone. Please Do Not Tap-Dance In This Area."

Yeah, I know. Utterly ludicrous.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Three Olympics-Themed Drabbles: "Bars," "Positive By Proxy," & "Out Of His Element"


My wife and I have been watching the Olympics like crazy the past couple of days. Which got me thinking...what kind of crazy 100-word stories could I create about the Olympics? These three are what I came up with.

If you think you recognize any actual people in the characters from the first two stories, it's entirely coincidental, I assure you. I did not base them on any particular athlete – I just let my imagination run amok. The third story, however, is based on an actual athlete whom you may be able to recognize; but I put him in a completely unfamiliar situation, just for kicks. Hope you enjoy these!



"BARS"

It's not easy being a male gymnast AND a gangsta rapper. Trust me, I know. I can execute a beastly routine on the uneven bars, then immediately head to the studio and spit bars like a beast about executing someone to get even – without even skipping a beat (figuratively or literally). But I gotta keep a low profile these days. After all, this is the Olympics, and America doesn't wanna hear that their "golden boy" gymnast is also a social degenerate. Or at least pretends to be over beats. It's a good thing I'm white. They'll never suspect a thing.



"POSITIVE BY PROXY"

Pee in a cup? You must be joking! Don't you know who I am? I'm a World Champion! I've won more medals in my sleep than anyone else has awake! Are you trying to imply that I would cheat? Please! This body's all-natural! These muscles were forged through hard work, not chemicals. You think I could put anything in this finely sculpted body that would enhance it? I mean, really – do you actually think I could look any better? Procedure, my eye! I call it an insult! No! You can keep your cup! And I will keep my pee.



"OUT OF HIS ELEMENT"

There must be some mistake – I ain’t on the archery team. Yeah, I’m one of the greatest players ever. In basketball, not archery! You mighta heard of me? Just won my first championship coupla months ago. What you mean "it's too late to do anything about it"? I don't even know how to work this thing! Which way is the arrow supposed to face? Out? Okay. What do I do with this string thingie? Pull? Aim for that little circle? Gotcha! Man, this is a piece of cake. I shoulda taken my talents to South England a long time ago!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: 5 New Things I Learned From "Random Article"

Here I am, gettin' my knowledge on again. Well, as much knowledge as you can gain from a user-generated encyclopedia such as Wikipedia.org. Just like I've done a couple of times previously, I clicked "Random Article" on the Wikipedia site a few times just to see what I could learn. And this is what I learned.


1)  Humberto Soto, 32, is an undefeated Mexican professional boxer in the Heavyweight division and is the current WBC FECOMBOX Heavyweight Champion. Soto is 9-0 in his professional fights, 8 of those wins coming by knockouts.

Humberto Soto
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?  Soto is not a man to be trifled with. If I ever decide to fight him, I already know that he will probably win. Make that definitely win.



2)  Prelude is a 1972 album by Brazilian keyboardist Eumir Deodato. With its signature track "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (a funk-influenced arrangement of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey), Prelude would be the biggest hit Deodato ever had. The single "Also Sprach Zarathustra" won the 1974 Grammy Award for Best Pop Instrumental Performance and went to No. 2 in the pop charts in the pop charts in the U.S., No. 3 in Canada, and No. 7 in the U.K. The album was reissued in 1977 as 2001.

 Eumir Deodato

 WHAT HAVE  I LEARNED?  A new version of an old song I already liked.




3)  Fructosuria is a rare but benign inherited metabolic disorder caused by a deficiency of fructokinase in the liver. Affected individuals usually display a large blood fructose concentration after the ingestion of fructose, sucrose, or sorbitol. Fructokinase is needed for the synthesis of glycogen, the body's form of stored energy, from fructose. The presence of fructose in the blood and urine may lead to an incorrect diagnosis of diabetes mellitus.

I don't get it...

 WHAT HAVE  I LEARNED?  Eating fruit messes with some people's bodies in adverse ways. Since I could be one of these people, I should probably avoid eating fruits. Especially papaya. (Yuck!) Can't be too careful...



4)  The City of Greater Geelong is a local government area in Victoria, Australia, located in the western part of the state, and southwest of Melbourne. In 2011, the City of Greater Geelong had a population of 210,000. Created in 1993, the city is an amalgamation of parts or wholes of the former municipalities of the Shire of Barrabool, Shire of Bannockburn, Shire of Bellarine, Shire of Corio, City of Geelong, City of Geelong West, City of Newton, and City of South Barwon.

The City of Greater Geelong

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?  Two things: 1) "Geelong" is the Aboriginal word for "ocean."  2) Shires ACTUALLY EXIST outside the world of The Lord Of The Rings! Who knew? (I didn't.)



5)  Jellyfish Report is a free app developed by La Web Compagnie in 2012. The app is compatible with the iPhone, the iPod Touch, and the iPad. The app is designed so that swimmers and sailors can report jellyfish sightings in real time, in order that others are made aware of which areas are affected by jellyfish at any particular moment, and can therefore avoid these areas when choosing a beach. the application also gives users advice on how to deal with jellyfish stings should they occur. 

Apparently there's an app for everything now.
 

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?  That if I can ever afford an iPad, and I feel comfortable with taking it with me to the beach without dropping it in the water or the sand, and I can learn to swim well enough that I feel safe swimming in a pond, lake, river, or ocean, there's an app that will help keep me from getting stung by a jellyfish. And if for some reason the app doesn't work properly, I can easily find out how to deal with the sting I have received from the undetected jellyfish.