Sunday, October 28, 2012

10 Worst Album Covers Of Albums Titled "Home"

Repeating yesterday's intro:

If you're any kind of a music buff at all, it's very likely that at some point you have listened to or even owned an album called Home. How do I know this? Because, throughout all the years of recorded music, countless artists in virtually every musical genre have released albums under this simple yet evocative title.

Yesterday I posted my picks for the 10 best album covers of Home-titled albums. Today I will post the 10 worst Home album covers.

Note: Each album's inclusion on this list is in no way a critique of the music itself. I've never heard of many of these albums, so I'm not judging the music by its cover. But I am judging the covers – that's the point.

Do you agree or disagree with my picks? Are there any lousily-designed Home albums that you know of that you would have included? Let me know...

1)  Six Cycle Mind:  This overused "boy band" pose has almost become a cliche of cover design over the years (see here). Okay, you four line up and stand casually -- you know, look cool. Maybe lean into one another a bit. You on the end, laugh like you just heard the funniest joke ever. Now you, the short one, you kneel down in a crouch at the other end there. Yeah, that's perfect. Now, smile! Cut. Print. It's brilliant!

2)  BoDeans:  Okay, here's the plan. We'll put the handsome guy with the long, flowing locks in front, smiling slyly like he knows the ladies are slobbering all over him. Then we'll put the weird-looking guy in back, looking over his shoulder at the handsome guy as if to say, "Gee, I wish I could be like him." We'll slap the name of the band over the bottom half of the cover, just in case our "vision" doesn't come through as clearly as we'd hoped, and we'll call the whole thing "Home." Makes perfect sense, right?

3)  Chris de Burgh:  This simply designed album cover says so much. A middle-aged guy who hasn't been relevant in a quarter of a century (since his 1986 hit "The Lady In Red") sitting on a lonely bench by a lonely shore strumming a lonesome tune on his lonesome guitar. Nothing says "washed-up" like dubbing the whole project "Home." This is a self-fulfilling prophecy: Chris, you're done here. It's time to move on. It's time to go home.

4)  Hothouse Flowers:  This was also a much-used album cover design during the late 1980s and early 1990s (see here). Have the members queue up in a staggered line. Tell them all to look introspective, or perhaps constipated. Snap the photo. Then go back and add touches of color to the edges so it looks like they're on a canvas. Make sure the band members stay in black-and-white, or perhaps purple. It's artsy, it's important, and people will want to buy it.

5)  Josh Rouse:  He's had a rough day. Dark circles under the eyes, hair tousled a little more than it was when he left the house this morning, and staring down an almost-empty glass of booze. He needs another one, and another, and another. But it's time to go home, and he doesn't want to. "Set 'em up, Joe. I'm not going anywhere. Home? This is my home now. And what a wonderful home it is..."

6)  Ryan Malcolm:  Hi, I'm Ryan. You're hot. Mind if I sit here? Don't worry, I won't bite. Much. You have pretty eyes, did you know that? I have pretty eyes, too. My mom told me. She says I have eyes that could stare right through a person. Pretty weird, huh? I mean, I'm not weird or anything. I'm normal. And I can prove it. The doctor said everything checked out fine. Anyway, I'm on medication, and I'm feeling much better now. I try to stay close to home, in case it happens again. The thing we don't talk about. Speaking of home, where do you live? Is it far from here? Can I come check it out? Don't worry, I don't bite. Often.

7)  Simply Red:  I am a rock star. I shine like the sun. I radiate awesomeness. I want the cover of my new album to capture the essence of who I am. So what if it's called "Home" -- that makes no difference. So what if there are actually other people in my band -- that's not my concern. This is about me. I am Simply Red. And don't you forget it!

8)  Spearhead:  Nothing says home like sitting at your kitchen table, holding your baby in your lap just inches above your semi-automatic weapon. He's looking toward the door. Who's he expecting? Bloods? Crips? Child Protective Services? All of the above? I guess you have to listen to the album to find out. I'll pass.

9)  Suzanne Palmer:  Ah, the funhouse mirror effect. A much-used classic that never goes out of style. Because one Suzanne Palmer is not enough. We must have two. We get not one but two chances to marvel at the ultra-stylish driving cap Suzanne's rocking. Not to mention that when you double your blonde hair weave, you double your fun! Sniff, sniff. What's that smell? Why, it smells like...home!

10)  Terry Hall:  Hi, I'm Terry. Welcome to my room. It's really nice. There's padding on all the walls, the floors, and even the ceilings -- though try as I may, I can't seem to reach the ceilings. I've been here for the past seven months. The staff here is really nice -- they see to my every need. They make sure I get my meds twice a day. The medicine helps a little. It quiets the voices a little bit. But they're never gone completely. Nor would I want them to be. The voices are the voices of my friends. You can see them, right? They're right here beside me. Don't be rude -- say hello to them. And while you're at it, please buy my album. It's crazy-good!

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