Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Things I Find Fascinating: Stupid Names Celebrities Give Their Kids

So...in a valiant effort to rule out all the other possibilities of names for our child, we broke down and bought a baby names book last week. In addition to cataloguing over 10,000 names in alphabetical order, separated by girls' names and boys' names respectively, the book also includes a number of themed name lists designed to inspire and generate discussion in expectant parents. One such list in the book struck my attention by its utter ludicrousness. (I want to use the word "ludicrosity" here, but multiple sources – not the least of which is Blogger's built-in spellcheck – inform me that it's not actually a word...tragic!)

The list was titled "Names Celebrities Give Their Kids" or something to that effect. While there are a few creative, poetic-sounding names in the lot, there are also a lot of truly horrible names. I suppose it shouldn't really surprise me that the entertainment industry – which produces its fair share of oddballs – should generate some of the most dreadful names known to mankind for its offspring. But even considering the source, some of these appellations are truly appalling. Without further ado, here are 15 of the stupidest celebrity kid names from that list:

1)  AUDIO SCIENCE:  Actress Shannyn Sossamon and children's book author Dallas Clayton are responsible for giving their poor son this monstrosity of a name. Apparently they call him, simply, "Science." Of course they do...

2)  BANJO PATRICK:  Yes, actress Rachel Griffiths and her hubby, Andrew Taylor, named their son Banjo! Here's the thing I don't understand – the couple also has two daughters, one called Adelaide Rose and the other Clementine Grace – lovely name combinations both of them. If they could come up with nice names for their daughters, why saddle their only son with the asinine name of Banjo?

3)  BLUEBELL MADONNA:  "Ginger Spice" Geri Halliwell (of the Spice Girls pop group) gave her dear daughter this messed-up moniker. Being a pop singer herself, it sort of makes sense that Halliwell would name her daughter after Madonna (if indeed she was her inspiration), but why Bluebell? You know that kid's going to hate her name as soon as she's cognizant of its stupidity and will likely have it changed as soon as she's legally old enough to do so.

4)  BRONX MOWGLI:  The Simpson sisters (Jessica and Ashlee) have never been famous for their great intelligence, so it should come as no surprise really that Ashlee Simpson would name her son (with now-ex-husband Pete Wentz) after a New York City borough and a Jungle Book character.

5)  DIVA THIN MUFFIN PIGEEN:  Musician Frank Zappa, if he had actually had enough children to do so, could have filled this entire list of stupid celebrity kid names. Alas, Frank and Gail Zappa only had three other children besides Diva. Their names are Dweezil (boy), Moon Unit (girl), and Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boy).  #smh

6)  ELIJAH BOB PATRICIOUS GUGGI Q:  U2's Bono and his wife Alison gave their son this laughable name combination. Nothing wrong with Elijah; nothing wrong with Bob. The rest of that name is just ridiculous! This is another head-shaker, because their other kids' names are Jordan (girl), Memphis Eve (girl), and John Abraham (boy) – all extremely normal names, except for Memphis Eve, which is actually quite lovely. So why the ridiculous name for their other child? I have no answers for you – only questions.

7)  FIFI TRIXIBELLE:  Musician Bob Geldof (with then-wife Paula Yates) has also been directly or indirectly responsible for a number of stupidly named children. Fifi Trixibelle is one of them. Geldof and Yates were also the parents of Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie (both daughters). Yates later divorced Geldof and had a relationship with INXS singer Michael Hutchence, with whom she had another daughter, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, who apparently now goes by, simply, "Tiger Lily." Of course she does...

8)  MANZIE TIO:  I always knew that Woody Allen was weird, but I didn't know he was this cruel. Allen and wife Soon-Yi Previn gave their daughter this unusual – bordering on stupid – name. I'm going to slightly give them the benefit of the doubt here – perhaps the two names mean something beautiful in another language. But they don't necessarily make for a very pretty name for a little girl.

9)  MOXIE CRIMEFIGHTER:  The talkative half of illusionist/comedy duo Penn & Teller, Penn Jillette, gave his daughter (with wife Emily) this absurdly ridiculous moniker. Perhaps if you were trying to come up with a great name for a comic book superhero, this could work – but for a real, live baby? This is just sad!

10)  PILOT INSPEKTOR:  Actor Jason Lee and then-fiancee Beth Riesgraf reportedly named their son after a song by indie rock band Grandaddy called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's The Pilot." It makes this silly name that much worse to know that "he's simple" and "he's dumb" were also part of the song's title. Did Lee expect his progeny to be an idiot?  #smh again!

11)  SPECK WILDHORSE:  Singer/musician John Mellencamp gave one of his two sons (with now-ex-wife Elaine Irwin) this oddball name. The other one's name isn't much better: it's Hud. His two daughters from previous marriages are named Teddi Jo and Justice. Odd but not awful. Speck, though? That's awful!

12)  SEVEN SIRIUS:  Singer Erykah Badu has been responsible for several head-shaking names with three different fathers. Seven Sirius, a son, is her oldest, sired by OutKast rapper AndrĂ© 3000. She later had a daughter – Puma Sabti – with rapper The D.O.C. Her youngest daughter, fathered by boyfriend Jay Electronica, is named Mars Merkaba. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up!

13)  SUNNY BEBOP:  Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea (real name: Michael Balzary) and wife Frankie Ryder gave their daughter this bright, yet truly weird name. I can't quite decide if it's an absolutely darling name or if it's straight-up ridiculous. Since I've included it here, I guess I'm siding with ridiculous.

14)  ZUMA NESTA ROCK:  Celebrity rule of thumb: When two very famous people get together and have kids, they will almost definitely give their children weird names. Such is the case with singer Gwen Stefani (of the group No Doubt) and rocker Gavin Rossdale (lead singer of Bush). The thing is, this married couple didn't do too bad naming their first son: Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. But they dropped the ball with Zuma Nesta Rock. That's just not a cool name on any level.

15)  JERMAJESTY:  Jermaine Jackson, of The Jackson 5 fame and brother of world-class weirdo Michael Jackson, gave his ninth and final child this "majestic" (if highly self-indulgent) name. Jermaine's other kids (Jermaine Jr., Autumn Joy, Jaimy, Dawn, Jeremy, Jourdynn Michael, Donte, and Jaafar) don't suffer nearly as much from Jackson's pomposity. Poor kid!

There are many more of this fascinatingly bad baby names I could've included here, if I only had unlimited time and your unlimited attention. Like The Cosby Show's Lisa Bonet's son, Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for one. Or celebrity chef Jamie Oliver's goofy-if-slightly-adorable-sounding gaggle of young'uns with wife Jools (Buddy Bear, Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, and Petal Blossom). But names are subjective, and if I kept going, you might start disagreeing with me on what's stupid and what's not. And you might well be right. So I'll stop here. Until tomorrow...

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