Words I Wish I Wrote: My Favorite Fiona Apple Lyrics

Her voice is hauntingly beautiful. Her music is strikingly original. Her videos are quirky and at times downright creepy. Her lyrics are poetry in motion. Love her or hate her, she is Fiona Apple. I happen to love Fiona's music and especially her lyricism. Always have.

Here are a few of the more memorable lines from her four albums to date. Just for kicks, I included the music videos to the songs whenever possible (or appropriate). Enjoy!  ~  JH

Tidal

"This mind, this body, and this voice

Cannot be stifled by your deviant ways..."

~  "Sleep To Dream"

"I have never been so 

Insulted in all my life

I could swallow the seas

To wash down all this pride

First you run like a fool

Just to be at my side

Now you run like a fool

But you just run to hide

And I can't abide..."

~  "Sleep To Dream"

"Don't you plead me your case

Don't bother to explain

Don't even show me your face

'Cause it's a crying shame

Just go back to the rock

From under which you came

Take the sorrow you gave

And all the stakes you claim

And don't forget the blame..."

~  "Sleep To Dream"

"Once my lover, now my friend

What a cruel thing to pretend

What a cunning way to condescend

Once my love, and now my friend..."

~  "Shadowboxer"

"You creep up like the clouds

And you set my soul at ease

Then you let your love abound

And you bring me to my knees..."

~  "Shadowboxer"

"Your gaze is dangerous

And you fill your space so sweet

If I let you get too close

You'll set your spell on me..."

~  "Shadowboxer"

"So darlin', I just wanna say

Just in case I don't come through

I was on to every play

I just wanted you..."

~  "Shadowboxer"

"But oh, it's so evil, my love

The way you've no

Reverence to my concern

So I'll be sure to 

Stay wary of you, love

To save the pain

Of once my flame

And twice my burn..."

~  "Shadowboxer"

"It's a sad, sad world

When a girl will break a boy

Just because she can..."

~  "Criminal"

"I know tomorrow brings

The consequence at hand

But I keep livin' this day

Like the next will never come..."

~  "Criminal"

"I've got a lot to lose

And I'm bettin' high

So I'm beggin' you

Before it ends'

Just tell me where to begin..."

~  "Criminal"

"I'll let you see me

I'll covet your regard

I'll invade your demeanor

And you'll yield to me

Like a scent in the breeze

And you'll wonder

What it is about me..."

~  "Slow Like Honey"

"Though dreams can be deceiving

Like faces are to hearts

They serve for sweet relieving

When fantasy and reality

Lie too far apart"

~  "Slow Like Honey"

"But my big secret

Gonna hover over your life

Gonna keep you reaching

When I'm gone like yesterday

When I'm high like heaven

When I'm strong like music

'Cause I'm slow like honey

And heavy with mood..."

~  "Slow Like Honey"

"I lie in an early bed

Thinking late thoughts

Waiting for the black

To replace my blue

I do not struggle

In your web

Because it was my aim

To be caught

But, Daddy Longlegs

I feel that I'm finally

Growing weary

Of waiting to be

Consumed by you..."

~  "First Taste"

"Just start the chase

I'll let you win

But you must

Make the endeavor..."

~  "First Taste"

"I'm building memories

On things we have not said

Full is not heavy as empty

Not nearly my love

Not nearly my love

Not nearly..."

~  "First Taste"

"You'll never see

The courage I know

Its colors' richness won't

Appear within your view

I'll never glow

The way that you glow

Your presence dominates

The judgments made on you

But as the scenery grows

I see in different lights

The shades and shadows

Undulate in my perception

My feelings swell and stretch

I see from greater heights

I understand what I am

Still too proud to mention

To you..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"

"You'll say you understand

But you don't understand

You'll say you'd never

Give up seeing eye to eye

But never is a promise

And you can't afford to lie..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"

"You'll never touch

These things that I hold

The skin of my emotions

Lies beneath my own

You'll never feel

The heat of this soul

My fever burns me deeper

Than I've ever shown

To you..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"'

"You'll say don't fear your dreams

It's easier than it seems

You'll say you'd never

Let me fall from hopes so high

But never is a promise

And you can't afford to lie..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"

"You'll never live

The life that I live

I'll never live the life

That wakes me in the night

You'll never hear

The message I give

You'll say it looks as though

I might give up this fight..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"

"You'll say you understand

You'll never understand

I'll say I'll never wake up

Knowing how or why

I don't know what to believe in

You don't know who I am

You'll say I need appeasing

When I start to cry

But never is a promise

And I'll never need a lie..."

~  "Never Is A Promise"

"Darling, give me your absence tonight

Take the shade from the canvas

And leave me the white

Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside

And don't bother leaving the light on..."

~  "The Child Is Gone"

"His body floats

Unweighed down by

Passion or intensity

Yet unaware of the depth

Upon which he coasts

And he finds a home in me

For what misfortune sows

He knows my touch will reap..."

~  "Pale September"

 

When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King,

What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To

The Fight, And He'll Win The Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters

The Ring, There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind 

Is Your Might, So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your 

Own Hand, And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest

Of Heights, And If You Know Where You Stand,

Then You Know Where To Land, And If You Fall It

Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right

"No thing I do don't do no thing

But bring me more to do

I do imbue my blue unto myself

I make it bitter..."

~  "On The Bound"

"Please forgive me for my distance

The pain is evident in my existence

Please forgive me for my distance

The shame is manifest in my resistance

To your love..."

~  "To Your Love"

"I would've warned you

But really, what's the point?

Caution could but rarely ever helps..."

~  "To Your Love"

"And when I think of it

My fingers turn to fists

I never did anything to you, man

But no matter what I try

You'll beat me with your bitter lies

So call me crazy, hold me down

Make me cry, get off now, baby

It won't be long till you'll be

Lying limp in your own hand..."

~  "Limp"

"I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope
Began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment
That my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near
So did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird
But it was just a paper bag..."
~  "Paper Bag"





"Hunger hurts, and I want him
So bad, oh it kills
I know I'm a mess
He don't wanna clean up
I've got to fold,
'Cause these hands
Are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works
When it costs too much to love..."
~  "Paper Bag"


"I may be soft in your palm
But I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight
And I will not let you win.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases
That will disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to
Find my way into your heart
From under your skin
Fast as you can, baby
Scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can..."
~  "Fast As You Can"

"How can I fight
When we're on the same side?
How can I fight beside you?"
~  "The Way Things Are"

Extraordinary Machine


"I'm good at being uncomfortable
So I can't stop changing all the time..."
~  "Extraordinary Machine"


"If there was a better way to go
Then it would find me
I can't help it, the road
Just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me
Or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it
I'm an extraordinary machine..."
~  "Extraordinary Machine"


"I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play..."
~  "Extraordinary Machine"


"Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore..."
~  "O' Sailor"

 " I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do?"
~  "Better Version Of Me"


"I don't want a home
I'd ruin that
Home is where my
Habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn?"
~  "Better Version Of Me"


"Those boon times went bust
My feet of clay
They dried to dust
The red isn't the red
We painted, it's just rust.
And the signature thing
That used to bring a following
I have trouble now
Even remembering..."
~  "Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)"


"I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me
Once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does
When it's the food on your lips
With which it's in love..."
~  "Parting Gift"

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault, you see
You never learned that much from me..."
~  "Parting Gift"


"And from the first, to the last time
The signs said 'Stop'
But we went on wholehearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started..."
~  "Parting Gift"


" I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me
Once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em
Should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me
Sincerely yelling back..."
 ~  "Parting Gift"


"I was never focused
On just one thing
My eyes got fixed
When my mind got soft
It may look like I'm concentrated
On a very clear view
But I'm as good as asleep
I bet you didn't know
It takes a lot of it away
If you do..."
~  "Window"


"Because the fact being that
Whatever's in front of me
Is covering my view
So I can't see what I'm seeing
In fact, I only see
What I'm looking through..."
~  "Window"


"What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen..."
~  "Oh Well"


"What you did to me made me
See myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is
Now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time
To get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back
And now it seems I've been outbidded..."
~  "Oh Well"


"Please please please
No more melodies
They lack impact, they're petty
They've been made up already
Please please please
No more maladies
I'm so tired of crying
You'd think I was a siren
But me and everybody's
On the sad same team
And you can hear our sad brain screaming..."
~  "Please Please Please"


"Please please please
No apologies
At best they buy you time
Until you next step out of line
Please please please
No more remedies
My method is uncertain
It's a mess but it's working
And maybe if you tried it out
You won't like it when you're crying out..."
~  "Please Please Please"


"There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play..."
~  "Red Red Red"


"And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round..."
~  "Not About Love"


"This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache..."
~  "Not About Love"

"But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things
That I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light..."
~  "Not About Love"


"If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat
Being that I'm better than fine..."
~  "Waltz (Better Than Fine)"

The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than The Driver Of
The Screw, And Whipping Cords Will Serve
You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do


" Every single night
I endure the flight
Of little wings of white-flamed
Butterflies in my brain
These ideas of mine
Percolate the mind
Trickle down the spine
Swarm the belly, swelling to a blaze
That's when the pain comes in
Like a second skeleton
Trying to fit beneath the skin
I can't fit the feelings in
Every single night's alight with my brain..."
~  "Every Single Night"

 "What'd I say to her
Why'd I say it to her
What does she think of me
That I'm not what I ought to be
That I'm what I try not to be
It's got to be somebody else's fault
I can't get caught
If what I am is what I am
'Cause I does what I does
Then brother, get back
'Cause my breast's gonna bust open
The rib is the shell and the heart is the yolk
And I just made a meal for us both to choke on
Every single night's a fight with my brain..."
~  "Every Single Night"


 "So I'm gonna try to be still now
Gonna renounce the mill a little while
And if we had a double-king-sized bed
We could move in it and I'd soon forget
That what I am is what I am
'Cause I does what I does
And maybe I'd relax
Let my breast just bust open
My heart's made of parts
Of all that surround me
And that's why the devil
Just can't get around me
Every single night's alright
Every single night's a fight
And every single fight's alright with my brain..."
~  "Every Single Night"


"I guess I just must be a daredevil
I don't feel anything until I smash it up
I'm caught on the cold, caught on the hot
Not so with the warmer lot
And all I want is a confidant
To help me laugh it off
And don't let me ruin me
I may need a chaperone..."
~  "Daredevil"


"You didn't see my valentine
I sent it via pantomime
While you were watchin' someone else
I stared at you and cut myself.
Its all I'll do 'cause I'm not free
A fugitive too dull to flee
I'm amorous but out of reach
A still life drawing of a peach.
I'm a tulip in a cup
I stand no chance of growing up
I've made my peace, I'm dead, I'm done
I watched you live to have my fun..."
~  "Valentine"


"I made it to a dinner date
My tear drops seasoned every plate
I tried to dance but lost my nerve
I cramped up in the learning curve..."
~  "Valentine"


"You like to captain
A capsized ship
But I like watching you live..."
~  "Jonathan"


"How can I ask anyone to love me
When all I do is beg to be left alone?"
~  "Left Alone"


"I could liken you to a werewolf
The way you left me for dead
But I admit that I provided a full moon.
And I could liken you to a shark
The way you bit off my head
But then again I was waving around
A bleeding open wound..."
~  "Werewolf"


"We can still support each other
All we gotta do is avoid each other..."
~  "Werewolf"


"Nothing wrong when
A song ends
In a minor key..."
~  "Werewolf"


"I don't appreciate
People who don't appreciate..."
~  "Periphery"


"Remember when we argued
On the concept of regret?
You were an expert even then
But not me, not yet
Now all you gotta do's
Remind me that we met
And there you got me
That's how you got me
You taught me to regret..."
~  "Regret"


'Member how I asked you
Why are you so mean?
You didn't know how to react
To bein' seen
I tried to be your friend
You made me shamed
So I'm getting even
And there you got me
That's how you got me
You taught me to be mean..."
~  "Regret"


"Member when I was so sick
And you didn't believe me?
Then you got sick too
And guess who took care of you?
You hated that, didn't you?
Didn't you?
Now when you look at me
You're condemned to see
The monster your mother
Made you to be
And there ya got me
That's how you got free
You got rid of me..."
~  "Regret"


"If I'm butter, if I'm butter
If I'm butter, then he's a hot knife
He makes my heart a cinemascope screen
Showing the dancing bird of paradise..."
~  "Hot Knife" 


"I'm a hot knife, I'm a hot knife
I'm a hot knife, he's a pat of butter
If I get a chance
I'm gonna show him that
He's never gonna need another
Never need another..."
~  "Hot Knife"


One last video link. And yes, I know Fiona Apple
didn't write the song -- it was The Beatles. But she
performs the song so well and the video is
so inventive that I had to include it here:

Stories # 46, # 47, & # 48: "Whatever Works," "Say Cheese," & "Made To Be Broken"

Three random short pieces here. No theme, no particular inspiration. But I think they're at least remotely interesting. What do you think?  ~  JH

"WHATEVER WORKS"

She not only didn't believe in going by the book, she didn't even own the book. She'd never even seen the book. She did what she felt was right in any and all situations, never stopping to think, "What would someone else do?" Because it didn't matter to her what anyone else thought. Her way of life was one of trial and error. Try it, fail, and never do it that way again. Try it, succeed, and a method is established. Whatever worked before will inevitably work again the same way the next time, and the next time, and the next time after that. Invariably, she relied on her own experiences exclusively, and created her own new experiences at every turn. One day, she decided to cross a busy street on foot. She'd never done it before, but she was confident that it could be accomplished successfully, one way or the other. She mistimed her attempt by a fraction of a second. She never saw the 18-wheeler barreling in her direction. The truck driver never saw her coming. Well, that didn't work, she thought, as she expired.

"SAY CHEESE"

I hate it when people take my picture and urge me to say "Cheese!" I don't get it. Is the sound of this word supposed to inherently make me smile -- because it doesn't. In fact, when I even think of cheese or any of its dairy companions, I am more likely to grimace than to smile. I'm lactose-intolerant, you see. Perhaps the whole concept behind saying "Cheese!" is that the way my mouth appears when I'm speaking the word is deemed to be a sufficient substitute for an actual smile. Whatever the reason, I refuse to say "Cheese!", so you may as well stop asking me. And no, I won't fake a smile if I'm not happy at that moment. Because it sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? If you insist on my speaking while you're snapping your picture, I will grudgingly say, "Go away!" And if you comply, it will truly make me happy. So, there!

"MADE TO BE BROKEN"

Hearts are like records, made to be broken. I'm like a thought that was never well-formed. You're like a sponge, sucking all the life out of me. We're like a gaping wound, hideous but eminently watchable. I'm all out of metaphors, or similes, or whatever these are. If I could harness this energy into something worthwhile, I could be somebody worthwhile. You could give and not just take, you could do some good. We could sell dreams to dreamers. But enough with what could have been, I'm bored with it by now. Talking about hearts, that's what I was doing. They're fragile, bloody, and yet resilient. They tear apart but somehow mend. I was like that once, but I've gotten too used to the scars and I'm starting to like the pain. You're getting good with a saw, though you never took any lessons. We are like lesions, waiting to heal but covered up in the meantime. Broken, that was my point, which I'm not getting to that quickly. I was broken once, or was it twice, I can hardly remember. You broke my spirit once, and then my tibia. We were in love when we fell down the stairs but clawing at each other's faces when we reached the bottom. It's not easy to climb up from that. I won't go on all day, because there's no good reason to do so. I know, you know, we know, and that's all that matters, more or less. And besides, I have things to do. Not better things, really, but things nonetheless. You should know better than to try and figure it out. That's it.

Story # 45: "Fibber, Fibber, Flaming Trousers"

Okay, this one's weird. Not sure where the idea came from, other than the "catchy" title. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"FIBBER, FIBBER, FLAMING TROUSERS"

I always thought it was just a silly expression that meant nothing. Until it happened to me.

It was a little white lie, nothing earth-shattering. She asked me if I'd ever been to San Antonio. I had, a long time ago, but something embarrassing had happened there that I'd rather not talk about, so I simply said "no."

She looked at me curiously, cocked her head to one side as if in doubt, and asked, "Are you sure?"

I reiterated that no, actually, I had never had the occasion to visit San Antonio at any time for any reason.

Suddenly, a burning sensation just above my ankles caught my attention. If that hadn't alerted me to something unusual occurring, then the smell of singed leg hairs would have. I looked down and screamed in shock to see both of my pants legs going up in flames.

She started squealing like some rabid swine and fumbling for my belt. I was too shocked to move, so I simply sat there screaming while she pulled off my belt and flung it aside and began working to free the waist button.

It's a good thing we're married, because what happened next would have been extremely awkward otherwise. She pulled my pants – which were now on fire to the thighs – down and away from my body and began stamping on them with her feet to put out the flames.

I don't remember when I stopped screaming, I only know that, when I glanced back down at my legs, there was silence. All my leg hair had burned off below the knee and minor skin burns near both kneecaps were now evident.

She bent down and picked up what was left of my pants and said, "You wanna try that again?"

"Well, I was only there the one time. And I didn't even get to see the Alamo."

Stories # 42, # 43, & # 44: "Team Prayer," "Team Player," & "Team Slayer"

Just having a bit of fun here using my wonderfully twisted imagination. Please don't take these seriously. (After all, it is April Fool's Day!) If you choose to interpret these to mean anything more than they're intended to (which is basically nothing) and are offended, well, that's not my fault. Enjoy?  ~  JH

"TEAM PRAYER"

Dear Lord,

We pray that You grant us the brute strength we need to kick the other team's ever-loving butts from here to next Tuesday. And Lord, we pray that those steroids that Jake's been pumping himself full of will kick in at just the right moment, like when their middle linebacker comes charging in at our quarterback on the blitz. Lord, keep us all protected from serious injuries – and when I say "us all," I know that You know that I mean our team. And Lord, we know that it's not just about winning, but it sure as shoot ain't about losing either, is it? So we pray humbly and earnestly, dear Lord, that Your will be done in this game and that we win by a large enough margin to cover the spread. Be with us and guide us through every third-and-long.

In Your name we pray,

Amen.

"TEAM PLAYER"

If there's a rule, I'll follow it. Wholeheartedly and without question. No sir, there's not a shred of rebellion in me. I'm as clean-cut as they come and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not concerned with myself or what I may want, need, or think. It is always and only about us: the team. I'm on board with whatever you think is right; even if it doesn't make sense, I'll stand behind it. "Yes" is my first name, my middle name, and my last name. Yes Yes Yes. I'm here for you and you and you, no matter what you need, and no matter when, where, how, or why you need it. Name it and claim it – I'm your man. (Did I mention that I hate myself far more than I've ever loved anyone else? Because I do.)

"TEAM SLAYER"

The catcher passed me in the locker room once without even saying hello. I impaled him with a pitchfork. The first baseman snickered at me during a lively conversation with the second baseman. I took batting practice on his face. The second baseman thought whatever the first baseman had said about me was incredibly hilarious. I strangled him with a steel chain. The shortstop couldn't field a ground ball to save his life. I smothered him with his own glove. The third baseman's name was Ken. I've always hated that name, so I went to town on him with hedge clippers. The left fielder spat a sunflower seed at me once – not on purpose, but still. I made short work of him with a kettle bell. The center fielder had all the beautiful women flocking around him after every game. I rearranged his face with a blowtorch. The right fielder kept calling me Jim. (My name is John.) I drowned him in the Jacuzzi. The pitcher was a nice guy. I really didn't mean to throw him off that bridge. These days, I get a lot more playing time. Imagine that.

Stories # 40 & # 41: "Jalapeño Honeymoon" & "Psychic Friends"

"JALAPEÑO HONEYMOON"

I've come up with and acted on a lot of bad ideas in my life, but arguably the worst idea I've ever had was eating genuine Mexican cuisine on the first night of our honeymoon in Acapulco. I knew that spicy food didn't always agree with my system, but I never knew why. Janie, on the other hand, had lived all twenty-three years of her life prior to that night having never even tried Mexican cuisine. They say you learn something new about your spouse every day, and we proved it true very early on. Apparently, my lovely bride and I are both highly allergic to jalapeños. While spending our first night as a married couple in a hospital thousands of miles from home was far from ideal, at least we were side by side, albeit in separate hospital beds. Oh, how romantic!

"PSYCHIC FRIENDS"

"I'm glad we had this talk, Margaret. Even though I knew exactly what you were going to say before you even started speaking."

"I'm glad we did, too, Stacy. Although we already know how we feel about each other, it was good to get it out in the open, and not just lurking in the back of our minds all the time."

"I know what you mean – of course – I mean, you've been wanting to strangle the life out of me for six months now for all the nasty stunts I pulled on you, but you just couldn't put it into words. Although, you know, I had heard you say it plenty of times without you actually saying it."

"Stacy, I think this could be the start of a wonderful friendship. We don't have to be enemies anymore."

"Come on, Margaret. You and I both know better than that. We'll be nice to each other for a month, tops, then we'll be at each other's throats like nobody's business all over again."

"Yeah, I see that, too. I guess I was just trying to be optimistic."

"Hard to do when you see everything coming, eh, Margaret?"

"Yeah. Stace, can I be honest with you just one more time?"

"Whether you can or can't doesn't make any difference, Marge. I know what you're going to say anyway."

"Right. Well, I'll just say it then. Stacy, deep-down you're a genuinely nice person, you just hide behind this witchy persona because it gets you the attention you've always craved."

"You're right, Margaret. I know that, and I knew you know that, too. But as long as we're being real here, you've had a crush on my husband for the past three years and you're thinking about putting your feelings into action, and if you do, please understand that I will put you in a full body cast."

"Yeah, I know. September 21st is when you were thinking, isn't it?"

"Yeah, or thereabouts. But knowing is half the battle. You can avoid future broken bones by giving up on this crazy fantasy of yours now."

"No, I can't, Stacy. I'm going to make my move on your hubby, and I am going to be hospitalized for a month."

"Well, Margaret, don't say I didn't warn you. Even though you already saw it coming anyway."

"Oh, I won't, Stacy. Anyway, I've gotta get going."

"Me too, Marge. I'm surprising my husband – eat your heart out, witch! – with a special dinner tonight."

"I wonder what those are like – surprises, I mean."

"I don't know. But I'll bet they're a lot of fun."

"Goodbye, Stacy."

"Tata, Margaret."

Story # 39: "Brand-Name Popcorn"

I've been sitting on this intriguing potential title for awhile, trying to figure out what kind of story might come from it, and I finally came up with something that I liked. Hope you'll enjoy reading it at least half as much as I did writing it.  ~  JH

"BRAND-NAME POPCORN"

This is what you've reduced me to. Scavenging the couch for spare change, clipping coupons, and shopping at Sav-A-Bunch.

What other choice do I have? When I lost my job and you called me a loser who didn't deserve to have a job much less you and kicked me to the curb like yesterday's milk carton I had nowhere else to turn.

I can barely afford this rat-infested hole of an apartment – I had to borrow from my last-and-soon-to-be-ex-friend to pay the deposit – and even if I could afford better, I'd probably still live here, because you were right all along. I am dirt.

I don't make grocery lists anymore, which saves some time but makes me miss the way it was. There's no point in making a list when the only things I can afford are the deep discounts (closeouts are a Godsend), even if the components don't always gel so well. Last night, I had frozen peas (mostly thawed) with a side of pork rinds and half a can of Ocean Feast cat food. Really. I know I'm dirt, but dirt gets better scraps than these.

I wish I could say I miss you as much as I do real food, but that would be a lie. Sometimes I think about your laugh and I laugh to myself; then I think about bacon and start to cry. Every now and then I think about your smile and it makes me sad; then I think about Orville Redenbacher and it makes me even sadder. I'm lucky to get Pop-Time popcorn these days, and only then if I have a coupon.

Congratulations! You won the heart of a loser, stuck with me through the good times, and when I was proven to be less than stellar in the Everything Department, you dropped me like a hot plate of fajitas. I miss fajitas, too.

They say you are what you eat, and I guess that's true. For breakfast this morning, I had a dirt sandwich – the dirt was free, the bread was on closeout.

I hope you're happy, because I'm not. I wonder now if I ever was. So here's to a long and happy life for you and whomever you choose to spend it with, and all the popcorn you can eat. Brand-name, of course.

25 Funny T-Shirts (That I Would Actually Wear!)

"Always Give 100%...Unless You're Donating Blood."  Good advice!

"Bigfoot Is Blurry...That's The Problem."  This explains everything!

"Keep The Change Ya Filthy Animal!"
(Insert obnoxiously evil laugh here.)

"Keep The Dream Alive."  The Alarm Clock: My
Mortal Enemy. The Snooze Button: My Best Friend.

"Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not
 coming back."  While you're at it, stop asking me Y also.

"I Am Disappointment In You're Grammar."  You're Spelling Ain't Great, Ether.

"Dress For The Job You Want."  I don't think if I could get away with that.

"Either You Like Bacon Or You're Wrong."  Well said. 'Nuff said, in fact.

"With Great Moustache Comes Great Responsibility."  So true, so true. 

"Hello, My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father; Prepare
To Die."  From one of the best comedic fairy tales ever!

"Hold Your Horses. Even Horses Need To Be Held Sometimes."
Hyenas (or Hyena, or Hyenae, or Hyenœ), Do Too, For That Matter.

"Hugz?"  No love for the cactus. Why so prickly?

"If Live Gives You Melons, You May Be Dyslexic."  Or you
may have just scored some free melons. So don't complain!

"If You Believe In Telekinesis, Please Raise My Hand."  Genius!

"Imposter!"  Will the real mouse please stand up? Thank you.

"Kids Today Have No Idea What This Is."  Or why it was ever called
"floppy."  For that matter, I never knew why it was called "floppy."

"I Only Like NY As A Friend."  Until it's "Facebook
official," it means nothing anyway, right?

"Misuse Of 'Literally' Makes Me Figuratively Insane."  Couldn't agree more.

"Moo...I'm A Goat."  And by the time they've figured out
that it's not supposed to make sense, you're long gone!

"My Butt Hurts."  "What?"  Priceless!

"Piñatas: Victims Of Child Abuse."  Are we really teaching our kids that it's OK
to beat someone senseless as long as their insides are filled with candy? #smh

"It's Okay, Pluto. I'm Not A Planet Either."  Heck, I'm not even a dwarf planet!

"Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I Hate Rhyming...Zebra."
If only the shirt had a picture of a zebra, it'd be a sure-fire winner!

"I'm Fine."  It's just a flesh wound.

"The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False."
Think about that for a while until your brain explodes. Kaboom!

Stories # 36, # 37, & #38: "Conditional Expendability," "Walter Under The Bridge," & "Lunchtime For Lardbutt"

These are pretty random, I have to admit. I don't want to give too much away, but the first story involves the alien abduction of children, the second one's about being mean to homeless people, and the third one sings the praises of a not-so-balanced diet. Don't think too much – just read 'em and enjoy!  ~  JH

"CONDITIONAL EXPENDABILITY"

First things first, I am a liar. So anything that comes after this could possibly be untrue. Secondly, I'm an alien life form from the planet Paziwonganum, and I'm here to steal your children. Not all of your children, mind you – just the fussy ones. I'm conducting a series of experiments to determine why children cry so much. I'm sure you won't miss them – after all, you only love them when they aren't crying. When they're calm they're angels, and when they scream you wish them gone. The fact that your love is conditional proves they are expendable to you. Don't worry, I won't keep them forever. I'll return them safe and sound by the time they are ready to enroll in college. You're welcome.

"WALTER UNDER THE BRIDGE"

The other day when I was doing the environmental thing and bicycling to work, I pedaled past a homeless guy crouched beneath the Third Street Bridge. Doing the humanitarian thing, I circled back in his direction and stopped beside the man, and asked if he needed any help. He said he was hungry, and that it'd been three days since he'd had a decent meal. I said, "What's your name, Mister?" He said it was Walter. I said, "Well, Walter, hold tight and I will be right back, alright?" Walter looked a little confused, like I was doing the typical thing and offering help that I didn't intend to follow through on giving. But I'm not like that – I'm all about doing the humble thing and serving people in need. So I biked over to McDonald's up the street, picked up a Big Mac, large fries, and a large soda, and raced back to Walter. He was still sitting there under the bridge, not surprisingly, and it warmed my heart to see his face light up a little, realizing I'd actually returned with food. Then he saw the McDonald's bag and his smile turned into a frown. "I did mention," said Walter, "that I hadn't had a decent meal, right?" And I said, "Yeah." And Walter said, "Then why'd you bring me this crap?" Then I did the wrong thing. I rode away with the food and ate it myself once I got to work.

"LUNCHTIME FOR LARDBUTT"

I'm all about eating healthy. It just depends on your definition of healthy. Mine is "consuming large quantities of your favorite foods." By that definition, I'm one of the healthiest people on the planet. Take my lunch, for example. I start off with a nice bunch of bananas – never less than three, but never more than six. Then I have a pre-meal snack of potato chips – though I do limit myself to a strict nine servings. After that, there's the main course: six juicy pieces of fried chicken with a generous dollop of mashed potatoes and gravy, a couple of servings of macaroni and cheese, a heap of French fries, and four buttermilk biscuits. Of course, no meal would be complete without a nice dessert or three. I like to start with something fruity like apple pie, follow that up with a slice of triple-layer chocolate cake, and then finish it off with a half dozen or so eclairs. Mmm, mmm, delicious! You should join me sometime. It takes awhile to finish off everything, and you won't feel so great for a few hours afterwards, but boy oh boy is it fun!