Stories # 40 & # 41: "Jalapeño Honeymoon" & "Psychic Friends"

"JALAPEÑO HONEYMOON"

I've come up with and acted on a lot of bad ideas in my life, but arguably the worst idea I've ever had was eating genuine Mexican cuisine on the first night of our honeymoon in Acapulco. I knew that spicy food didn't always agree with my system, but I never knew why. Janie, on the other hand, had lived all twenty-three years of her life prior to that night having never even tried Mexican cuisine. They say you learn something new about your spouse every day, and we proved it true very early on. Apparently, my lovely bride and I are both highly allergic to jalapeños. While spending our first night as a married couple in a hospital thousands of miles from home was far from ideal, at least we were side by side, albeit in separate hospital beds. Oh, how romantic!

"PSYCHIC FRIENDS"

"I'm glad we had this talk, Margaret. Even though I knew exactly what you were going to say before you even started speaking."

"I'm glad we did, too, Stacy. Although we already know how we feel about each other, it was good to get it out in the open, and not just lurking in the back of our minds all the time."

"I know what you mean – of course – I mean, you've been wanting to strangle the life out of me for six months now for all the nasty stunts I pulled on you, but you just couldn't put it into words. Although, you know, I had heard you say it plenty of times without you actually saying it."

"Stacy, I think this could be the start of a wonderful friendship. We don't have to be enemies anymore."

"Come on, Margaret. You and I both know better than that. We'll be nice to each other for a month, tops, then we'll be at each other's throats like nobody's business all over again."

"Yeah, I see that, too. I guess I was just trying to be optimistic."

"Hard to do when you see everything coming, eh, Margaret?"

"Yeah. Stace, can I be honest with you just one more time?"

"Whether you can or can't doesn't make any difference, Marge. I know what you're going to say anyway."

"Right. Well, I'll just say it then. Stacy, deep-down you're a genuinely nice person, you just hide behind this witchy persona because it gets you the attention you've always craved."

"You're right, Margaret. I know that, and I knew you know that, too. But as long as we're being real here, you've had a crush on my husband for the past three years and you're thinking about putting your feelings into action, and if you do, please understand that I will put you in a full body cast."

"Yeah, I know. September 21st is when you were thinking, isn't it?"

"Yeah, or thereabouts. But knowing is half the battle. You can avoid future broken bones by giving up on this crazy fantasy of yours now."

"No, I can't, Stacy. I'm going to make my move on your hubby, and I am going to be hospitalized for a month."

"Well, Margaret, don't say I didn't warn you. Even though you already saw it coming anyway."

"Oh, I won't, Stacy. Anyway, I've gotta get going."

"Me too, Marge. I'm surprising my husband – eat your heart out, witch! – with a special dinner tonight."

"I wonder what those are like – surprises, I mean."

"I don't know. But I'll bet they're a lot of fun."

"Goodbye, Stacy."

"Tata, Margaret."