Stories # 36, # 37, & #38: "Conditional Expendability," "Walter Under The Bridge," & "Lunchtime For Lardbutt"

These are pretty random, I have to admit. I don't want to give too much away, but the first story involves the alien abduction of children, the second one's about being mean to homeless people, and the third one sings the praises of a not-so-balanced diet. Don't think too much – just read 'em and enjoy!  ~  JH

"CONDITIONAL EXPENDABILITY"

First things first, I am a liar. So anything that comes after this could possibly be untrue. Secondly, I'm an alien life form from the planet Paziwonganum, and I'm here to steal your children. Not all of your children, mind you – just the fussy ones. I'm conducting a series of experiments to determine why children cry so much. I'm sure you won't miss them – after all, you only love them when they aren't crying. When they're calm they're angels, and when they scream you wish them gone. The fact that your love is conditional proves they are expendable to you. Don't worry, I won't keep them forever. I'll return them safe and sound by the time they are ready to enroll in college. You're welcome.

"WALTER UNDER THE BRIDGE"

The other day when I was doing the environmental thing and bicycling to work, I pedaled past a homeless guy crouched beneath the Third Street Bridge. Doing the humanitarian thing, I circled back in his direction and stopped beside the man, and asked if he needed any help. He said he was hungry, and that it'd been three days since he'd had a decent meal. I said, "What's your name, Mister?" He said it was Walter. I said, "Well, Walter, hold tight and I will be right back, alright?" Walter looked a little confused, like I was doing the typical thing and offering help that I didn't intend to follow through on giving. But I'm not like that – I'm all about doing the humble thing and serving people in need. So I biked over to McDonald's up the street, picked up a Big Mac, large fries, and a large soda, and raced back to Walter. He was still sitting there under the bridge, not surprisingly, and it warmed my heart to see his face light up a little, realizing I'd actually returned with food. Then he saw the McDonald's bag and his smile turned into a frown. "I did mention," said Walter, "that I hadn't had a decent meal, right?" And I said, "Yeah." And Walter said, "Then why'd you bring me this crap?" Then I did the wrong thing. I rode away with the food and ate it myself once I got to work.

"LUNCHTIME FOR LARDBUTT"

I'm all about eating healthy. It just depends on your definition of healthy. Mine is "consuming large quantities of your favorite foods." By that definition, I'm one of the healthiest people on the planet. Take my lunch, for example. I start off with a nice bunch of bananas – never less than three, but never more than six. Then I have a pre-meal snack of potato chips – though I do limit myself to a strict nine servings. After that, there's the main course: six juicy pieces of fried chicken with a generous dollop of mashed potatoes and gravy, a couple of servings of macaroni and cheese, a heap of French fries, and four buttermilk biscuits. Of course, no meal would be complete without a nice dessert or three. I like to start with something fruity like apple pie, follow that up with a slice of triple-layer chocolate cake, and then finish it off with a half dozen or so eclairs. Mmm, mmm, delicious! You should join me sometime. It takes awhile to finish off everything, and you won't feel so great for a few hours afterwards, but boy oh boy is it fun!