Story # 45: "Fibber, Fibber, Flaming Trousers"

Okay, this one's weird. Not sure where the idea came from, other than the "catchy" title. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"FIBBER, FIBBER, FLAMING TROUSERS"

I always thought it was just a silly expression that meant nothing. Until it happened to me.

It was a little white lie, nothing earth-shattering. She asked me if I'd ever been to San Antonio. I had, a long time ago, but something embarrassing had happened there that I'd rather not talk about, so I simply said "no."

She looked at me curiously, cocked her head to one side as if in doubt, and asked, "Are you sure?"

I reiterated that no, actually, I had never had the occasion to visit San Antonio at any time for any reason.

Suddenly, a burning sensation just above my ankles caught my attention. If that hadn't alerted me to something unusual occurring, then the smell of singed leg hairs would have. I looked down and screamed in shock to see both of my pants legs going up in flames.

She started squealing like some rabid swine and fumbling for my belt. I was too shocked to move, so I simply sat there screaming while she pulled off my belt and flung it aside and began working to free the waist button.

It's a good thing we're married, because what happened next would have been extremely awkward otherwise. She pulled my pants – which were now on fire to the thighs – down and away from my body and began stamping on them with her feet to put out the flames.

I don't remember when I stopped screaming, I only know that, when I glanced back down at my legs, there was silence. All my leg hair had burned off below the knee and minor skin burns near both kneecaps were now evident.

She bent down and picked up what was left of my pants and said, "You wanna try that again?"

"Well, I was only there the one time. And I didn't even get to see the Alamo."

Stories # 42, # 43, & # 44: "Team Prayer," "Team Player," & "Team Slayer"

Just having a bit of fun here using my wonderfully twisted imagination. Please don't take these seriously. (After all, it is April Fool's Day!) If you choose to interpret these to mean anything more than they're intended to (which is basically nothing) and are offended, well, that's not my fault. Enjoy?  ~  JH

"TEAM PRAYER"

Dear Lord,

We pray that You grant us the brute strength we need to kick the other team's ever-loving butts from here to next Tuesday. And Lord, we pray that those steroids that Jake's been pumping himself full of will kick in at just the right moment, like when their middle linebacker comes charging in at our quarterback on the blitz. Lord, keep us all protected from serious injuries – and when I say "us all," I know that You know that I mean our team. And Lord, we know that it's not just about winning, but it sure as shoot ain't about losing either, is it? So we pray humbly and earnestly, dear Lord, that Your will be done in this game and that we win by a large enough margin to cover the spread. Be with us and guide us through every third-and-long.

In Your name we pray,

Amen.

"TEAM PLAYER"

If there's a rule, I'll follow it. Wholeheartedly and without question. No sir, there's not a shred of rebellion in me. I'm as clean-cut as they come and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not concerned with myself or what I may want, need, or think. It is always and only about us: the team. I'm on board with whatever you think is right; even if it doesn't make sense, I'll stand behind it. "Yes" is my first name, my middle name, and my last name. Yes Yes Yes. I'm here for you and you and you, no matter what you need, and no matter when, where, how, or why you need it. Name it and claim it – I'm your man. (Did I mention that I hate myself far more than I've ever loved anyone else? Because I do.)

"TEAM SLAYER"

The catcher passed me in the locker room once without even saying hello. I impaled him with a pitchfork. The first baseman snickered at me during a lively conversation with the second baseman. I took batting practice on his face. The second baseman thought whatever the first baseman had said about me was incredibly hilarious. I strangled him with a steel chain. The shortstop couldn't field a ground ball to save his life. I smothered him with his own glove. The third baseman's name was Ken. I've always hated that name, so I went to town on him with hedge clippers. The left fielder spat a sunflower seed at me once – not on purpose, but still. I made short work of him with a kettle bell. The center fielder had all the beautiful women flocking around him after every game. I rearranged his face with a blowtorch. The right fielder kept calling me Jim. (My name is John.) I drowned him in the Jacuzzi. The pitcher was a nice guy. I really didn't mean to throw him off that bridge. These days, I get a lot more playing time. Imagine that.

Stories # 40 & # 41: "Jalapeño Honeymoon" & "Psychic Friends"

"JALAPEÑO HONEYMOON"

I've come up with and acted on a lot of bad ideas in my life, but arguably the worst idea I've ever had was eating genuine Mexican cuisine on the first night of our honeymoon in Acapulco. I knew that spicy food didn't always agree with my system, but I never knew why. Janie, on the other hand, had lived all twenty-three years of her life prior to that night having never even tried Mexican cuisine. They say you learn something new about your spouse every day, and we proved it true very early on. Apparently, my lovely bride and I are both highly allergic to jalapeños. While spending our first night as a married couple in a hospital thousands of miles from home was far from ideal, at least we were side by side, albeit in separate hospital beds. Oh, how romantic!

"PSYCHIC FRIENDS"

"I'm glad we had this talk, Margaret. Even though I knew exactly what you were going to say before you even started speaking."

"I'm glad we did, too, Stacy. Although we already know how we feel about each other, it was good to get it out in the open, and not just lurking in the back of our minds all the time."

"I know what you mean – of course – I mean, you've been wanting to strangle the life out of me for six months now for all the nasty stunts I pulled on you, but you just couldn't put it into words. Although, you know, I had heard you say it plenty of times without you actually saying it."

"Stacy, I think this could be the start of a wonderful friendship. We don't have to be enemies anymore."

"Come on, Margaret. You and I both know better than that. We'll be nice to each other for a month, tops, then we'll be at each other's throats like nobody's business all over again."

"Yeah, I see that, too. I guess I was just trying to be optimistic."

"Hard to do when you see everything coming, eh, Margaret?"

"Yeah. Stace, can I be honest with you just one more time?"

"Whether you can or can't doesn't make any difference, Marge. I know what you're going to say anyway."

"Right. Well, I'll just say it then. Stacy, deep-down you're a genuinely nice person, you just hide behind this witchy persona because it gets you the attention you've always craved."

"You're right, Margaret. I know that, and I knew you know that, too. But as long as we're being real here, you've had a crush on my husband for the past three years and you're thinking about putting your feelings into action, and if you do, please understand that I will put you in a full body cast."

"Yeah, I know. September 21st is when you were thinking, isn't it?"

"Yeah, or thereabouts. But knowing is half the battle. You can avoid future broken bones by giving up on this crazy fantasy of yours now."

"No, I can't, Stacy. I'm going to make my move on your hubby, and I am going to be hospitalized for a month."

"Well, Margaret, don't say I didn't warn you. Even though you already saw it coming anyway."

"Oh, I won't, Stacy. Anyway, I've gotta get going."

"Me too, Marge. I'm surprising my husband – eat your heart out, witch! – with a special dinner tonight."

"I wonder what those are like – surprises, I mean."

"I don't know. But I'll bet they're a lot of fun."

"Goodbye, Stacy."

"Tata, Margaret."

Story # 39: "Brand-Name Popcorn"

I've been sitting on this intriguing potential title for awhile, trying to figure out what kind of story might come from it, and I finally came up with something that I liked. Hope you'll enjoy reading it at least half as much as I did writing it.  ~  JH

"BRAND-NAME POPCORN"

This is what you've reduced me to. Scavenging the couch for spare change, clipping coupons, and shopping at Sav-A-Bunch.

What other choice do I have? When I lost my job and you called me a loser who didn't deserve to have a job much less you and kicked me to the curb like yesterday's milk carton I had nowhere else to turn.

I can barely afford this rat-infested hole of an apartment – I had to borrow from my last-and-soon-to-be-ex-friend to pay the deposit – and even if I could afford better, I'd probably still live here, because you were right all along. I am dirt.

I don't make grocery lists anymore, which saves some time but makes me miss the way it was. There's no point in making a list when the only things I can afford are the deep discounts (closeouts are a Godsend), even if the components don't always gel so well. Last night, I had frozen peas (mostly thawed) with a side of pork rinds and half a can of Ocean Feast cat food. Really. I know I'm dirt, but dirt gets better scraps than these.

I wish I could say I miss you as much as I do real food, but that would be a lie. Sometimes I think about your laugh and I laugh to myself; then I think about bacon and start to cry. Every now and then I think about your smile and it makes me sad; then I think about Orville Redenbacher and it makes me even sadder. I'm lucky to get Pop-Time popcorn these days, and only then if I have a coupon.

Congratulations! You won the heart of a loser, stuck with me through the good times, and when I was proven to be less than stellar in the Everything Department, you dropped me like a hot plate of fajitas. I miss fajitas, too.

They say you are what you eat, and I guess that's true. For breakfast this morning, I had a dirt sandwich – the dirt was free, the bread was on closeout.

I hope you're happy, because I'm not. I wonder now if I ever was. So here's to a long and happy life for you and whomever you choose to spend it with, and all the popcorn you can eat. Brand-name, of course.

25 Funny T-Shirts (That I Would Actually Wear!)

"Always Give 100%...Unless You're Donating Blood."  Good advice!

"Bigfoot Is Blurry...That's The Problem."  This explains everything!

"Keep The Change Ya Filthy Animal!"
(Insert obnoxiously evil laugh here.)

"Keep The Dream Alive."  The Alarm Clock: My
Mortal Enemy. The Snooze Button: My Best Friend.

"Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not
 coming back."  While you're at it, stop asking me Y also.

"I Am Disappointment In You're Grammar."  You're Spelling Ain't Great, Ether.

"Dress For The Job You Want."  I don't think if I could get away with that.

"Either You Like Bacon Or You're Wrong."  Well said. 'Nuff said, in fact.

"With Great Moustache Comes Great Responsibility."  So true, so true. 

"Hello, My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father; Prepare
To Die."  From one of the best comedic fairy tales ever!

"Hold Your Horses. Even Horses Need To Be Held Sometimes."
Hyenas (or Hyena, or Hyenae, or Hyenœ), Do Too, For That Matter.

"Hugz?"  No love for the cactus. Why so prickly?

"If Live Gives You Melons, You May Be Dyslexic."  Or you
may have just scored some free melons. So don't complain!

"If You Believe In Telekinesis, Please Raise My Hand."  Genius!

"Imposter!"  Will the real mouse please stand up? Thank you.

"Kids Today Have No Idea What This Is."  Or why it was ever called
"floppy."  For that matter, I never knew why it was called "floppy."

"I Only Like NY As A Friend."  Until it's "Facebook
official," it means nothing anyway, right?

"Misuse Of 'Literally' Makes Me Figuratively Insane."  Couldn't agree more.

"Moo...I'm A Goat."  And by the time they've figured out
that it's not supposed to make sense, you're long gone!

"My Butt Hurts."  "What?"  Priceless!

"Piñatas: Victims Of Child Abuse."  Are we really teaching our kids that it's OK
to beat someone senseless as long as their insides are filled with candy? #smh

"It's Okay, Pluto. I'm Not A Planet Either."  Heck, I'm not even a dwarf planet!

"Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I Hate Rhyming...Zebra."
If only the shirt had a picture of a zebra, it'd be a sure-fire winner!

"I'm Fine."  It's just a flesh wound.

"The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False."
Think about that for a while until your brain explodes. Kaboom!

Stories # 36, # 37, & #38: "Conditional Expendability," "Walter Under The Bridge," & "Lunchtime For Lardbutt"

These are pretty random, I have to admit. I don't want to give too much away, but the first story involves the alien abduction of children, the second one's about being mean to homeless people, and the third one sings the praises of a not-so-balanced diet. Don't think too much – just read 'em and enjoy!  ~  JH

"CONDITIONAL EXPENDABILITY"

First things first, I am a liar. So anything that comes after this could possibly be untrue. Secondly, I'm an alien life form from the planet Paziwonganum, and I'm here to steal your children. Not all of your children, mind you – just the fussy ones. I'm conducting a series of experiments to determine why children cry so much. I'm sure you won't miss them – after all, you only love them when they aren't crying. When they're calm they're angels, and when they scream you wish them gone. The fact that your love is conditional proves they are expendable to you. Don't worry, I won't keep them forever. I'll return them safe and sound by the time they are ready to enroll in college. You're welcome.

"WALTER UNDER THE BRIDGE"

The other day when I was doing the environmental thing and bicycling to work, I pedaled past a homeless guy crouched beneath the Third Street Bridge. Doing the humanitarian thing, I circled back in his direction and stopped beside the man, and asked if he needed any help. He said he was hungry, and that it'd been three days since he'd had a decent meal. I said, "What's your name, Mister?" He said it was Walter. I said, "Well, Walter, hold tight and I will be right back, alright?" Walter looked a little confused, like I was doing the typical thing and offering help that I didn't intend to follow through on giving. But I'm not like that – I'm all about doing the humble thing and serving people in need. So I biked over to McDonald's up the street, picked up a Big Mac, large fries, and a large soda, and raced back to Walter. He was still sitting there under the bridge, not surprisingly, and it warmed my heart to see his face light up a little, realizing I'd actually returned with food. Then he saw the McDonald's bag and his smile turned into a frown. "I did mention," said Walter, "that I hadn't had a decent meal, right?" And I said, "Yeah." And Walter said, "Then why'd you bring me this crap?" Then I did the wrong thing. I rode away with the food and ate it myself once I got to work.

"LUNCHTIME FOR LARDBUTT"

I'm all about eating healthy. It just depends on your definition of healthy. Mine is "consuming large quantities of your favorite foods." By that definition, I'm one of the healthiest people on the planet. Take my lunch, for example. I start off with a nice bunch of bananas – never less than three, but never more than six. Then I have a pre-meal snack of potato chips – though I do limit myself to a strict nine servings. After that, there's the main course: six juicy pieces of fried chicken with a generous dollop of mashed potatoes and gravy, a couple of servings of macaroni and cheese, a heap of French fries, and four buttermilk biscuits. Of course, no meal would be complete without a nice dessert or three. I like to start with something fruity like apple pie, follow that up with a slice of triple-layer chocolate cake, and then finish it off with a half dozen or so eclairs. Mmm, mmm, delicious! You should join me sometime. It takes awhile to finish off everything, and you won't feel so great for a few hours afterwards, but boy oh boy is it fun!

Songs With "Easy" In The Title

Some scientific smartypants said that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, for every "Songs With 'Hard' In The Title" blog post, there must be also be a "Songs With 'Easy' In The Title." And here it is...  ~  JH

1)  Engelbert Humperdinck  ~  "Am I That Easy To Forget?"

2)  Commodores  ~  "Easy"

3)  Rascal Flatts & Natasha Bedingfield  ~  "Easy"

4)  Bobby Sherman  ~  "Easy Come, Easy Go"

5)  Elvis Presley  ~  "Such An Easy Question"

6)  Three Dog Night  ~  "Easy To Be Hard"

7)  Willie Nelson & Johnny Rodriguez  ~  "Forgiving You Was Easy"

8)  Dierks Bentley  ~  "Free And Easy (Down The Road I Go)"

9)  Keith Carradine  ~  "I'm Easy"

10)  Ringo Starr  ~  "It Don't Come Easy"

11)  Eagles  ~  "Take It Easy"

12)  ABBA  ~  "Love Isn't Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough)"

13)  Sarah McLachlan  ~  "Loving You Is Easy"

14)  Cleopatra  ~  "Life Ain't Easy"

15)  Buddy Holly  ~  "It's So Easy"