Saturday, October 6, 2012

I Can't Believe I Wrote That Either!


Several months ago, I posted an entry called "I Can't Believe I Wrote That!" I honestly can't think of a better prologue to include here than the one I used then so, if you'll forgive me for doing so, I'm going to quote myself. Then I'll give you 10 "new" old poems/songs from my embarrassing early days as a writer.

Intro from original post:

In going back over literally hundreds of pages of my old poems, stories, snippets of ideas, intriguing titles, and what-not, I am amazed at the sheer volume of worthless (pardon the slang) crap I have written over the years.

True, I was much younger and far more inexperienced as a human being when I wrote most of these. But even taking that into consideration, I have written some truly lousy stuff in my time.

Some of it isn't even all that horrible as much as it is embarrassingly shallow and dreadfully self-deprecating. (You want teen angst? I got teen angst, in spades – or I did, at least!)

So, despite the fact that 99.9% of this drivel should never, ever, ever see the light of day, I have a blog post to write today, and I figured that you should have to suffer through some of this junk every bit as much as I have had to in rereading it recently.

There's little value in the pieces to follow, so consider yourself forewarned. It is interesting, though, to see how much I've learned about writing in the years since these pieces were written. I'd like to think I've come a long, long way...


1)  "High Metallic Shine"

Honed to perfection
Stretched with innocence
Lethal injection
Slapped by fate
Scratched by nothing
Touched by nature
Blinded by everything
Smoldering imprints.

Used to be fine
Used to be mine
Brand new gun
High metallic shine.
Don't solve a problem
But for a time
Brand new gun
High metallic shine.

Sharpened by witticism
Shined with alabaster
Constructed with criticism
Handled with care, this side up
Used as a toothbrush, way back when
Grinding the mineral to stone
Hidden in secret once again
Thrust into a conspiracy.

Used to be fine
Used to be mine
Brand new knife
High metallic shine.
Don't solve a problem
But for a time
Brand new knife
High metallic shine.



2)  "Black Shoe Polish"

Paint the sky a shade of black
That's darker than the light I lack.
Open up a whole new world
Where colors are absorbed, then swirled.
Introduce my eyes to light
Never have they seen the sight.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish
You do so with your words.
You don't need to put cotton in my ears
So I can't hear what I've already heard.

Paint the sky a shade of black
Much darker than the night.
Take out all the colors
So we'll only have black light.
Shade my eyes with sunglasses
So everything is jaded.
Maybe it will make me homesick
For memories that faded.

You don't have to blind my eyes with black shoe polish
You do so with your words.
You don't need to put cotton in my ears
So I can't hear what I've already heard.



3)  "Teapot Dome" (Ode To President Warren G. Harding)

He wasn't a very good leader
But he was a likable guy.
He gave his so-called friends some power
But they ruined him, he didn't know why.
The President and his Ohio Gang
Thought the nation was theirs to control.
But they made their boss a laughingstock
And turned the hearts of the nation cold.

If you can't trust your friends
Who can ya trust?
Warren was only doing
What he thought he must.
The politics had him enslaved
It drove him to an early grave.
The road only gets harder
Once you've started.

A conflict of interest with oil companies
A scandalous situation.
But Harding couldn't right the wrongs
And pressure led to frustration.
And his so-called friends
Who'd caused the mess
Refused to take the blame.
And at the age of 58
Warren died without a name.

If you can't trust your friends
Who can ya trust?
Warren was only doing
What he thought he must.
The politics had him enslaved
It drove him to an early grave.
The road only gets harder
Once you've started.



4)  "Sandwich Bag"

You threw my class ring into a sandwich bag.
There went our long-time love, into a sandwich bag.
Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.
Today, I'll start all over, with a brand-new sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last
You proved them right.
They said I moved too fast
They said we'd fight.

Yesterday we broke up over a sandwich bag.
I said that it was mine, and I told you not to nag.
You got your feelings hurt, and now I'm feeling bad.
Even though I apologized about the sandwich bag.

They said we wouldn't last
We proved them right.
I spoke my mind too fast
And we had a fight.

I took my class ring out of that dumb sandwich bag.
I want to look ahead, but I keep looking back.
Our love was – you implied – dull as a sandwich bag.
Can't we just work things out, and throw away that bag?

They said we wouldn't last
We proved them right.
Our love ended too fast
Let's make it right.



5)  "Onions"

Onions always make me cry
And so do you.
Onions turn my stomach sick
And so do you.
Onions are worthless vegetables
And so are you.
Onion rings are awfully thick
And so are you.

I hate onions
Almost as much as I hate you.
I hate onions
No need to ask me why that's true.
I hate onions
And I don't care how you fix 'em.
'Cause love and onions aren't the same
So just don't try to mix 'em.

Onions have a rancid flavor
And so do you.
Onions make me want to hurl
And so do you.
Onions should be against the law
Ånd so should you.
Onions are messing up my world
And so are you.

I hate onions
Almost as much as I hate you.
I hate onions
No need to ask me why that's true.
I hate onions
And I don't care how you fix 'em.
'Cause love and onions aren't the same
So just don't try to mix 'em.



6)  "Listless"

Open your notebooks
And close the gate.
Teach me nothing
Make me hate.
Catch the weasel
And don't be later.
Start a fire, Fly
I just can't wait.

I'm cold and I'm hungry
And I'm feeling so alone.
All I've got's my sports car
And my cellular phone.
Don't call me, don't beep me
I want to be alone.
I'm homeless and listless
And I don't know what's going on.

I feel paranormal
You look like a yutz.
Move all the breakables
I'm such a klutz.
Singing a sea chant
And it's way off-key.
Leave your housebroken
Pets here with me.

I'm cold and I'm hungry
And I'm feeling so alone.
All I've got's my sports car
And my cellular phone.
Don't call me, don't beep me
I want to be alone.
I'm homeless and listless
And I don't know what's going on.

Trip the alarm, son
And spill the milk.
Kool-Aid grass stains
You're smooth as silk.
Shave your eyebrows
I'm starting to sneeze.
Wish I could have
Three wishes, please.

I'm cold and I'm hungry
And I'm feeling so alone.
All I've got's my sports car
And my cellular phone.
Don't call me, don't beep me
I want to be alone.
I'm homeless and listless
And I don't know what's going on.


7)  "Be Serious"

My mother said that I just make too many jokes.
She said that if I don't straighten up, I'll choke.
She told me to get my mind on what I'm trying to do.
But how can I help from laughing when I'm alone with you?

It's hard to be serious
When you look so dumb.
It's hard not to crack a smile
When you suck your thumb.
I know you're old enough
To know better, but you don't.
So how can I be serious
When I don't know what you want?

My friends tell me to stop making fun of your face.
But when I see you, there's a grin I just can't erase.
I know it's an unwritten rule that ya don't insult your girl.
But it's not my fault that when we're close, I want to hurl.

It's hard to be serious
When you look so dumb.
It's hard not to crack a smile
When you suck your thumb.
I know you're old enough
To know better, but you don't.
So how can I be serious
When I don't know what you want?

Do you have a problem, or were you just born that way?
I've been trying to keep a straight face every single day.
But you just look so stupid that I feel I have to tell  –
If you're trying to make a change, you're not doing too well.

It's hard to be serious
When you look so dumb.
It's hard not to crack a smile
When you suck your thumb.
I know you're old enough
To know better, but you don't.
So how can I be serious
When I don't know what you want?



8)  "Disease"

Infectious disease
Don't invade my pancreas
I might need it someday.
Infectious disease
Don't invade my legs
I still like to run.

Infectious disease
Don't invade my brain
I just might need my common sense.
Contagious disease
Don't invade my earwax
A guy's gotta have his fun.
Infectious disease
Don't invade my lips
Invade anything else but this.
Infectious disease
Contagious disease
Please don't invade my lips
'Cause someday I'm gonna give her a kiss.

So take my spleen, my ribs, my epiglottis
But don't mess with my lips
'Cause I still owe her a kiss.



9)  "Aspirin"

Wash you down with a bucket of rain
Thank you for killing all of my pain.
Hit in the head with a two by four
Thankfully, I can still make it to the door.
Caught in the gut with a staple gun
You're there when I need you
You're always the one.
Got run down by a semi-truck
The next tin of aspirin cost me a buck.

Aspirin makes things better
So will she, if you let her.
Aspirin makes you feel okay
Give the girl a chance
She'll see things your way.

Swallow you up, and gulp you down
Took so much aspirin, I'm gonna drown.
Smashed in the skull with a big sledgehammer
Vision is blurred, and I'm starting to stammer.
And if that wasn't enough, then what about this?
I got my face slapped trying to get a goodnight kiss.
These things may pain me, but nothing hurt more
Than last night when she left, when she slammed the door.

Aspirin makes things better
So will she, if you let her.
Aspirin makes you feel okay
Give the girl a chance
She'll see things your way.



10)  "Big Deal"

So we put a man on the moon
And fed ourselves with a silver spoon.
But I couldn't care any less
The world's a hopeless, stupid mess.
So we fought a war and won –
But while we fought, did we have fun?
I don't know what I'm searching for
I feel as if I'm always bored.

So what? Big deal!
Apathy don't interest me.
So what, who cares?
Life's an unsolved mystery.
So what? Big deal!
Why do they always ask why?
So what's the point?
You're born, you live, and then you die.

So a thousand kids can't read –
What's the purpose? What's the need?
All you need to know is stuff
You learn from life, and not a book.
So the world's a hopeless cause –
You break a sweat, they break the laws.
A vicious cycle we can't win –
Now look what we have gotten into.

So what, big deal
Apathy don't interest me.
So what, who cares?
Life's an unsolved mystery.
So what, big deal
Why do they always ask why?
So what's the point?
You're born, you live, and then you die.


I'd like to promise you that I'll never put you, Dear Reader, through the agony of reading any of these again, but I can't do that. I have tons more I could dredge up, and I still have 85 days left in this year to blog, and I may very well run out of original ideas before then (though I haven't so far). Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read these (if you indeed did so). And now they can return to the "vault," never to be seen again. Hopefully... ~ JH

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